Shameless stolen from another forum. Enjoy.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
> > ---------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"
> > ---------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
> > ---------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
> > ---------------------------------------------
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and
go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
> > ---------------------------------------------
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library.
I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
> > ---------------------------------------------
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
> > ----------------------------------------------
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
> > ----------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
> > ----------------------------------------------
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
> > ----------------------------------------------
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?'
I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'
> > -----------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
> > ------------------------------------------------
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing
cabinet.'"
> > ------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
> > ------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
> > ------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> > ------------------------------------------------
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
> > -------------------------------------------------
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I
went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Tommy Cooper one-liners
Tommy Cooper one-liners
Still kicking about.
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stuart4010
- Senior Member
- Posts: 325
- Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:48 pm
Re: Tommy Cooper one-liners
I'm sure I heard Billy Connolly use this in one of his videos?Demmerz wrote:
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Grr. More miscredited on liners. they are actually from Tim Vine, and not Tommy Cooper :x
They used a selection in the stage musical about the great man, and from there on people credited them to him. I've got Tim Vine's DVD and saw him live 3 weeks ago, and he is fantastic!
They used a selection in the stage musical about the great man, and from there on people credited them to him. I've got Tim Vine's DVD and saw him live 3 weeks ago, and he is fantastic!
"Sixty percent of the time, it works, every time!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eshR-WpdYDM
Footage of the great man himself doing some standup 10 years ago. He ven used some of those jokes when i saw him last month! His act must be so hard to write!
Footage of the great man himself doing some standup 10 years ago. He ven used some of those jokes when i saw him last month! His act must be so hard to write!
"Sixty percent of the time, it works, every time!"