The worst fruit machine ever

[JG]

It's a tough category. I'm quite tempted to give the award to Reel King Potty.
However for sheer super gashiness and the fact this will warrant a disicpline spanking, here it comes, a worthy contender IS


£5 Going Ape



I had gone into a tucked away town outskirts pub which has a £5 machine and a £70 machine. Only recently started getting £70s in, however they've had an Astro Battles - The conglomerate launches a return motion and a Fortuitous Green Fellow, with an Irish lilt, in case you didn't get that reference, green fellow is leprechaun. I don't always patronise the reader this much b....ENOUGH JG GET A MOVE ON....

Yes, yes, quite, anyway not due a move, but I go in and basically Monday morning not far off doors, how many people are going to be in a sleepy town boozer. Well one customer and I think he was on drinking terms with the establisment.

So collared, "Yes young Sir?", nice to be called young, I'll remember that for when I'm in my 40s and people only call me young when jesting. Maybe I flatter myself already, but laid off the poker for last couple of nights so no suitcases under the eyes or deep worry lines on the foreh......ENOUGH JG STOP DITHERING CARRY ON THE STORY

yes, yes, ok, where was I?

So there I was, pint of gentleman's ale and copy of The Guardian under the arm. I always make a point of buying the correct newspaper for the correct area. No point buying the Guardian if it's all BNP and EDL in the pub now is it? eh?

So I sat down to read my paper and drink the beer when I glance up and see......nothing. Yes, schoolboy error, I had not checked, The Eclipse has been eclipsed by.....nothing. Not even a plant. I have to explore, is the £5 Invincible still at the other end?

No! Double change around, although understood that one was from a supplier and the other was probably just Mick from the fish bar popping in a bandit bought off Ebay and going halves sort of arrangement.

There was a fruit though with no supplier details, so maybe this is still the same guy, Horizon though, bit more modern, red surround, please be something £70 and good....nope......£5 Going Ape.


Kerlunk! Nice and full, £5 Invincible was never full, but sometimes good go mental for £20+ streaks.

£4 for a win and it's oranges, One gamble to 2kos I think then no pause lose. Ok, short board, let's try another.
£7 for that useless setups that Aliens etc give when not boarding, same 2 nudge bollo*ks.
£2 more for a win. This time I take 4kos.

Now for those of you that have never played Going Ape(£5) or Cash Attack(£5), the cash ladder goes LOSE ARROW 50p ARROW £1 £1.20 etc,
so 4 kos I had lowest arrow, which I assume is 50p, £1, higher arrow and then final KO was..........LOSE.
Yes! You can get LOSE off KOs.

Ok, £13 in now, what to do? Hmmmm, not forcing for mega, but surely it'll be nice off next set of bananas (sub for canons, aliens, horseshoes etc), so another board surely

£7 for oranges, I get a few gambles in but as everything seems to be rubbish, I'll go for that £5+rep just two up from left corner and one in....nope, donked me on a 3, presumably as I was going from £2 to £2.40 on cashladder and £20 in, it didn't want me to win £3.

£5 for bananas, that useless set up, but it did give superhold, so mixed 7s and I gamble to 7 spinner....no not that one on the left, the other one, the crap win series type one.
As I recall on Cash Attack £35, you'd typically get 2 or 3 mixed sevens spin in for £3.20 or £4.80. It's basically a pound spinner feature, except with mixed 7s.
On this.....one spin of £1 and stop.

So to recap £25 in for £1 on a full machine.


Should I force, nope but surely I have to try a board here?

£2 for next board....wow a board that cost less than the jackpot. Donked going for that dicey £3 gamble.

£4 for next board, take 4kos for £1.20. I thought I may get one flukey £4.40 shot seeing as I'd pot about six times the jackpot in, you know, thought it may have a spare fiver to give me, seeing as it was blocking everything else.

Anyway, cost £48 to get £4+rep. Was this like a super repeater that goes for £24? I'd take that now, anything? Nope £4. Nowt. Tried taking some more Kos, reel match, whatever, board costs were still £3-£7 with each gamble from LOSE to ARROW to 50p feeling like massive achievements.

After getting it full again and putting £10 more in, £58 I got the £4 rep and it repeated ONCE. Then it did £2 for £2 and £3 for £2, so I left it, £51 down.

Yes go ahead, LOL all you like, seriously though 78%.......How??? What's the secret feature that pays £30ish each time you take it? How is it so dead all the time? How much would it cost for mega? If it's anything like King KO, it's probably £60 for the top on a force for £5-£10 back.

Sick program.

Anyway the post doesn't end there, there's another really bad fruit machine coming up.

A couple more hits in between, one red that was £65 for £70 woohooo! get in! A Cleudo that I messed up on, had an opportunity after £40, so much for my dialesque skills eh, ended up being a £65 for £70, yeah one of them days.

Then onto a services. Peut etre un digging device utiliser? was the first machine, but didn't seem so lively.

BLAST! I had come all this way for nothing.
Quick look on DOND Gold......Seemed to be a bit dead, so moved swiftly onwards.
Then I did the fatal thing, checked the pots on a £500 Rainbow Riches

£352.23 silver, £500 Gold, £237.89 bronze....you seen any fatter pots recently?

Well sod this downage, I wanted those damn pots and it had been a good long while since the last ACTUAL discipline lapse, don't believe those vicious rumours that get posted on other boards, it's a stalker I tell thee, probably someone from Yorkshire posting as my second in command.

Anyway, this is an ACTUAL JG discipline lapse. Just £1.

HARP HARP HARPY not reverse appegio, not glissando, that's bow instruments. A glissando is where you move the bow across the string whilst altering the length of string by moving your finger towards or away from the bridge to create a sort of comic weeeeooooooo sound.
But the spinny noise is like a cluster (collective noun for harps anyone? Quiz people? Answer me, or else you win £0 on this game) of harps all twiddling downwards. That's as technical as I get. There must be an Italian name for this, Kidgloves probably knows it, what is it Kid? Is it Hirromissimissimo?

Anyway THAT noise and riches on reels one and two a lep which is square and bronzey on the outskirts like a RR and loads more RR on reels 4 and 5....THEY DO THAT ON PURPOSE you see the lep and you think if that was a RR I'd have about £200 here!!!

As it was I had £0. The way these machines can just grab you. Then it was the old CLANG! CLANG! wind up leps on 1 and 2 then nowt.

Anyway long story short realised I'd got suckered in, so I said, alright, let's have the punt. 2'er in....see what we get back.

So no features. NO features. highest win £11, total return £46. had a few loads of RR on first three, somehow only pays £6.

So I collected as now the spade was on board as some muntling had pooped in about £20 and got boardation.

So quick look on that £74 for £70. Ah well. That's 70% for you collecting up I thought right, one more blast, this £70 in that, ANY pot would be good.

At that moment, a girl with the finest ass money can't buy walked by. Break from doing my swede, had to follow, like the Pied Piper of Hamlyn, it was like enticing visual candy, not too small, but not too big, but big enough for just a little wiggle after each stride. It was sweet enough to take away the acute pain that I was a 2'er deep in non playables, £50ish in that Ape and £150ish in that leprechaun.

However VRRRRP there's the big 6'6" boyfriend on stand by, journey ends here, soak up some of the sun's rays, back to work.

DA DA DA! The Army was here! Well I assume the army. I know there are lots of other random things like cadet this and brigade that. But they were in military regalia, wearing black boots, so let's say the Army had turned up with heavy artillery.
I'm not quite sure what it is with service stations and the Army, but you always see soldiers in service areas, well nearly always. I mean you don't see many soldiers in Mr. Pickles garden centre or ASDA or The Slug and Lettuce, but go to a services Gamezone and there they are.
Anyhow, it was pure heartache I kept hearing YEAH YEAH.....and although I don't begrudge our armed forces a third yeah, as let's face it The Government is a bit tight with buying them new boots etc, there was a bastard part of me that wanted ME to get the third yeah and not them. It's called human nature, deal with it.
Anyway the third yeah didn't come. They didn't find the leps hiding in the underground tunnels, but they did come across some wells for an amount obviously derisory of any serious military attention, since it caused some degree of profanity.
Eventually after some WHHHR WHHHR VRRRRRs they left.


Should I jump on? Would they come back and shoot me? Or beat me to a pulp?

At first I played a Double DOND (sod off Lee!!) which had been well pumped. I was rewarded with £2 for a streak board that I CoB for £1+two reps then that back for 4 phones for £35 in the box.

So back onto the Rainbow Riches (put that cane away), £1 in and it makes me wonder why it couldn't do this first time for YEAH
















YEAH


















YEAH baby three leprechauns of course.




First spin 1


I could hear Buddylove's voice in my head saying come on don't shit me out on £8....well it looked like it, it struggled to £10 then VEERRROOOOW it found a 6 from no where and then a 2 for £60 then I let it time out for 1 for £75 and I was going to let it time out again but got excited and hit it for COLLECT.....SOD! But hey, some money back, was a result.
Saved £70 and gambled the fiver on maximum danger level which only went to £40.....DONK, lost but wasn't expecting out else.


So calm JG, calm, maybe shouldn't throw £70 sheets blind at this now, so I calmed down and thought one more £10 sheet and that will be that.....five spins later and



CLANG









CLANG















CLANG








POTS!








of gold hopefully











as the leprechauns were here again(!)





£35 sheets


then two presses later wells for £20, gambled £5 for a win, then a lose.

Then a roll in £10.


Now I know some say these streak, but I know they're easy to get you sucked in, so two more presses and nowt and I thought, I've had my little run, didn't get pots, did get some back, ok still down on it, but not as horrendous as it could have been.

Oh well that's it, three months until the next swede out, at least this time it wasn't a horrific loss.

Had a wierd day as well, made £140 on one unit of a GGG, leaving a main in for a Polish couple to blag £35 off shrapnel, gggrrrr, didn't want to chase although suspected it was getting near due, but massive repeat pots can scare it sometimes. These foreigners get so lucky at times, to demonstrate there cluelessness they had a nudge onto a fiver that held and although they understood the nudges, they didn't hold the fiver...wtf?
So I suppose I shouldn't begrudge the peanuts £35 too much, hopefully they'll stick around and put it back in some day

£20 up on next unit then a moody £66 loss on a full unit (refill obviously after a while). Got stung on a done Smash, should have paid heed to the playerish bloke with jangly pockets leaving the pub! Usually sweet, had a WALLOP THE MONEY from a £7 nudgewin, opened it, obviously back to SMASH on £1 wins, but by time I was involved so had to go in.....£120 for £70 type result.

Indiana Grail played quite nice £60 for £106 bank. Got stung on a SOLITARY YOGI ENEMY, yes one has fairly recently arrived here. Didn't feel kind, £110 for £70 eeek....no probs on skill though

Also wanked on a Mcguigans, but Gold Streak was there on both but for the typical piss around small raise and....blah blah blah boring, ok in the end it wasn't a sensational day, made about £105 before travel but after drinks. Could have been much, much, much worse.


Discipline, oh to have 100% disicpline.

[thecannonball89]

Nice story, played a £5 cash atack today. £2 on for 4 boards £3 £3 £2 £4 nice raise

[pokerkingqueen]

Theres something annoying about chasing a £5er JP.
When your 30 odd+ in

[Mystery_Plum]

Yes I agree that there's something very wrong about being able to put over a jackpot's worth of games through a £5 machine without a win or feature. I guess this is a side-effect of round-pound payouts.

Since we have this moment to share together, I'll tell you what my biggest gripe is at the moment.

Take a game like Chav It! by BFG on 10p play £5 jackpot. You've got 5 winlines in play for your 10p stake, so that's 5 ways to win. The price to pay for these extra lines is the absence of nudges, but this can be forgiven, as you have five (count them), FIVE ways to win.

So you start playing the game, and it's a bit light on holds. Blocks of cherries come in on two reels, but no holds. Then when you do start getting holds you get a blatant roll out as the machine keeps picking places to land and throwing them away until it finds three lemons. This is nothing new, machines do this all the time, but with 5 lines the effect of roll-outs is magnified as there are less places on the reel to stop. You know that the game is simply not ready for a win yet. This goes on for 3 or 4 quid. Must get a win soon, you think.

Then you start getting 'tic tac toe active' coming up all the time. Behold as the machine meticulously searches for one of only a handful of positions where there is not a single number in view. It's obvious that the game is still not ready for a win or to go past position 8 on the trail, due to a losing game count, negative reflex position, paying money into a pot that some random will get in two weeks time - whatever reason you like. If that's the case, why the fuck start giving this tic tac toe bollocks? It's supposed to make you feel like you have more of a chance, but you clearly don't. All it does is severely wind me up. All these ways to win, yet the computer still says 'No!'

Then it gives you a Super Hold with no win available.

6 or 7 pounds in and with a win surely just around the corner you get a couple more bonuses that give you BOOST to position 7 or something similar, and then finally another Super Hold comes in which lets you have one line of cherries along the bottom. Now at the time you'd be grateful for this Super Hold coming up, but really, with 5 lines, a trail with bonus at position 4, and this tic tac toe bullshit, do you really need to be relying on a SH to get you into the feature? It's just not necessary. Why not give a win off a hold or simply spin one in?

It's the same with a lot of games nowadays with 5 lines - DOND, RR/SW etc. You spend ages holding stuff and enduring roll-out after roll-out, and then you end up getting in off a Super Hold or some other shit.

Totally fucking pointless.

[trayhop123]

hmmmmm ,,,,,,,,, in this day n age ,,,,,,,,,,,, not sure this is even appropriate ,,,,,,,,, could be taken the wrong way ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :P :P :P :P


george

[thecannonball89]

Take a £5 reel apeal £30 for a board that loses 1st gamble

[mr lugsy]

and the rest

[JG]

4 boards for £2, I can only assume you know something I don't, or else the reflex is like a £5 ToT! Good result anyhow. They're the bread and butter raises that count.

As for 5 line games, lovely hold is that where on first reel cherry top and bottom, second reel cherry in middle. If that doesn't come in, nothing will, ever! (or until £7 has been played off), freeze, block of grapes or melons....urgh.

I never had the pleasure of ripping or playing a ripped Reel Appeal, sounds a real sea side pro machine, not one in my artillery.

As for that spatula, what can I say? Lol, just lol. Would have loved to spank that girl's ass with it.....more to the point, where are all these pictures of spanking implements coming from?

[thecannonball89]

Just kept wacking in cannons, never played one before. probly never will again. reel apeals are quite fun but years old. basicly how i got into the game thoses and a carabian cash that worked on yarmouth seafront.

[gmckee03]

My mate done 110 in a 5 quid 4 reel for one board lose second spin lol

[trayhop123]

continuing with the thread ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but not sure this can really count ,,,,,,,, due to the result.



in higate/ islinton once ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, there is a back st ,,,,, with a row of market stalls ,,,,,,,,, with two shitty arcades on it . i used to go on my mrs gold run,

one had a chuzzy x ,,,,,,,, which 8 times out of ten was there for at least 50 , and a real a win vivid that was permanently dead,,,,,,

anyhow the other arcade opposite had mostly low tecs n 500s ,,,,,,,,, but had one red at the back,,,,,,,,,,,, think it was legal tender , but not sure (im sure ratty or ob will correct me)

anyhooows (i know this is long winded sorry) ,,,,,,,,,,, it once cost me 52 quid for the first board ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i was fuming , and about to complain ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but that board went for 105 ,,,,,,,,,,,, ????

[streakseims]

That 110 in for constant 2nd press lose boards is when the RAM goes to 4% happened to me you will get up every £5 exactly on 20p spin for 2nd press lose

took 100 off me doin that b4 i finally pulled someone to come look at it... Did i get anything for their fault...... I would of done if wingy (who later barred me) said "he wins to much in here fuckin anyway so good we got some back" when I didnt win in there all the times coz the DYSON hovers in the bottom of Magic 7s used to suck me in lol

[jeffvickers]

2010 - Bank Job - QPS, yes, I did lose the days takings on this + the rest.
Offered MS 3rd board (MS not top on these, like other genres such as Poker Face etc), why didn't I just take the feature and walk away with a small profit, you greedy c*nt, Jeff.

Edit: Oh, Barcrest? Silly me, it is 3:50am!

[Drpepper]

£18 for a board on a crystal dome at 5p play, took literally 15 mins of constant playing to go up.