Skoda water with a slice of lemon please

Had a bad experience on a fruit machine? Discuss it here..
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JG
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Skoda water with a slice of lemon please

Post by JG »

The day started with an accomplice from near a town named after a fossil fuel. We headed over the usual parts, but it seemed that non white Eddie's prophecy about a right fog on the Pyne oh mine oh mine were true as we stumbled across various sub 30 LED. In short our usual stomping grounds were battered as if fenso himself had set his alarm clock, driven down in kesh's newly renovated merc and played out all the 468s with Tony and beef in the back giving advice on Shirley pokers and backstreet Boogies.
I phoned Robert and asked if I could come to Liverpool and play out the slow chip Crazy Chair in Harry's, but he had already done it along with the 5 potting Pure Golds. Besides which the Skoda Water that I'd just ordered at the bar didn't have much diesel in it and I was jiggered if I was floating it up.
Sod it, we'll ring Sp.......Sp......Sp........Spider up. A long standing player from one of the UK's major cities, Spider was bound to have a bone he could throw to us.
"No. I said I'd throw a bone at you if you ever came round these parts again. It'd be a big bone as well, like a dinosaur bone. Keep out!"
"Aw come on Spider, don't be like that, just anything, an unchipped tuppenny nudger, a banker's birthday on red reels, a 20p spare credit left in a Storm....help us out bro..."
"For fuck's sake, I must be getting softer the older I get, there's an 84pot on the left in deepest darkest Handsworth or Lozells, can't remember where. I'll allow you free passage down the a34 then you'd better fuck right off again. If I see you after 6pm I'll leave you in peace. I mean I'll leave you in pieces."
"Thanks Spider, we owe you one"

Beep beep beep blud clot beep rasta beep white man beep

"This is not the most salubrious licenced betting office in the UK"

"uuuft!"

Bip bip bumblebee wogwon bleep beep blood clots bleep

"Pick a coin and be quick about it"

Ping! £5,£10,£20......£2

"Fucking bollocks man!"

"I'm picking the next one"

"Well yeah you are because I'm having a Double JD neat in that boarded up pub next door, not on the rocks and with no mixer, just neat....err £10 should cover it"

"Very well, I'll add it to the tab"


His phone rang.

"Hello....what? Speak up, yeah it's on 99, no no that's on 94, 99 is the number of spectators....oh wait...it has just come out.....pound up....pull the car up...this needs to be a quick getaway....no there's no time for another JD double.......or single......"

However it was too late. The best made plans to go the way of the golden treacle were dashed by hordes of Albanians, Romanians, kossovans, and transitvans.

He had to ring up....the mole....

"Mole this is an emergency....what u benching at the minute?"

"More than you Georgina. Do you even lift?"

"This is no time for banter. I'm stuck in a mesh of foreign weirdos shouting weird stuff about blood clots. I need you to come by. There's a 402 here for you."

In a flash the floor erupted and mole appeared with a trombone. After benching 130 for ten reps three sets a load of smelly foreigners were no problem and a pathway to the door and the blue soda appeared.

"Cheers mole, but what's with the trombone?"

"Bad gear JG this is, supposed to make your traps twice as big, doesn't do shit, just makes loud windy noises, I got it off Bodol and Kirky, I said this doesn't look like trenbolone to me, never using them again. Shit gear. Parp."


He stepped into the soda as the heavens opened.

"I've had five Peroni, twenty b+h jewel, six Stella, two orange sodas, half a bag of bleach off


INTERVENTION


I typed way more than this but this shitting board wiped it. This fucking I pad is fucking my nut in with auto correct.

There was more to this, way more it was just warming up....fuck it I'm typing it out on the desktop.

Just wait there please
JG
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JG
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 2:42 pm
Location: England

Post by JG »

hello
JG
User avatar
JG
Senior Member
Posts: 6462
Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 2:42 pm
Location: England

Post by JG »

<hic>

"I've had five Peronis, six Stella, two orange and sodas, a bag of bleach, three double JDs and a single JD in the same glass as another single JD, a packet of pork scratchings and I'm feeling rather ill. DO you mind if we call it? I'll drive you home, could you lend us £20? Better make it £40."

"No problem, I'm rather exhausted after that battle in the bookies"

"Come on let's get out of here."

The traffic on the M6 was awful. Junction 3 finally arrived.

"It's the A444 south we wa....."

BEEEEEP!!! "LOOK AT THIS FUCKING TURNIP IN HIS AUDI. COULD YOU GO ANY SLOWER?"
BEEEEEP!!! "LOOK AT THIS FUCKING DICK IN HIS BMW. COULD YOU GO ANY FASTER?"

"We've missed the turn off to the...."

"Don't sweat it JG, we'll just use the sneaky side exit at Corley services. We've just about got enough fuel to get us back to near yours, I could fill up at the services, but I refuse to pay their prices."

They cruised through into the HGV section and indicated to turn left out the side road, but disaster struck. The barriers to allow exit were raised.

"Never mind, we'll chuck a fiver's worth in at the...."

"NO JG! We haven't sweated our bollocks off in the bookies to blow it all on overpriced fuel, just let me deal with this. COver your ears and watch the master at work."

He drove up to The Intercom and pressed the button.

"Hello Welcome Break. Corley services North. How may I help?"

"MATE! CAN YOU LOWER THE BARRIERS PLEASE? MY BROTHER IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK!"

"Well call an ambulance then" came the heartless reply

"NO MATE. THIS IS SERIOUS. I NEED TO GET THROUGH TO [pssst...what's the next village?] [Keresley] KERESLEY. I NEED TO GET TO MY BROTHER IN KERESLEY. WILL YOU PLEASE LOWER THE BARRIERS!"

"Errr, I can't just lower the barriers, you'll have to speak to the duty manager"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOWER THEM?!?"

However the line was dead.

"Bunch of fuckers these cunts, I'm going to keep pestering them"

He pressed the Intercom once more


"Good evening. Welcome Break Corley Services NOrthbound. Duty Manager speaking"


"MAN THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT IMPORTANCE. I NEED TO SEE MY BROTHER IN KERESLEY HE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK CAN YOU PLEASE LOWER THE BARRIERS?"

"I'm sorry I can't do that"

"MATE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK. WHY CAN'T YOU LOWER THE BARRIERS?"

"Because I will lose my job if I do that"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FUCKING JOB. LOWER THESE BARRIERS NOW YOU IDIOT!"

Once more the intercom went dead.

Once more he pressed the button to reconnect

This time no one answered until it went to an answerphone service

"Welcome to the Vodafone voicemail service for.......COrleyservicesNorthbound......please leave your message after the tone........beeep"

"YOU'RE ALL CUNTS. I HOPE YOU DIE!"

There was a pause. JG tried to lighten the mood.

"It's dark. We're wearing sunglasses. We've got a full tank of gas. We're 14 miles from Tamworth services. Hit it!"

"No mate. We've not got any other option. We need to fill up. I'm going to teach these fuckers a lesson in manners. I'm going to fill up and drive off without paying. I don't give a fuck. I'll teach the cunts to fuck with me."

The soda swang around violently and pulled up at pump number one. He picked up the pump and squeezed hard ready for the pump to activate. And he waited. And he waited.

"WELLLL!!!!! WE'RE WAITIIIINGGGGGG!!!"

"IS that Jim Carey?"

"NO JG!!! IT'S FUCKING JACK NICHOLSON as THE JOKER in BATMAN I've told you that before PAY ATTENTION FUCKS SAKE PISSING ME OFF NOW THESE GRADE A CUNTS ACTIVATE THIS PUMP FOR FUCKS SAKE!! OI!!!!"

The forecourt Tannoy crackled into life.

"Please Sir in the soda, please leave, we are not serving you, you have been abusive to staff, we are not serving you. You must leave"

"YOU BETTER SERVE ME PAL, I'VE GOT NO DIESEL!"

"Sir. That is not my problem. You have been very rude and abusive to staff. You have no business here. This is private property."

"I SWEAR DOWN ON MY LIFE. YOU'VE GOT THREE SECONDS TO ACTIVATE THIS PUMP OR ELSE I'M COMING IN THERE AND KICKING OFF BIG TIME AND I DO MEAN BIG TIME PAL. YOU'VE PISSED ME OFF A TREAT! NOW SWITCH THIS PUMP ON OR ELSE!!!"

"Sir for the last time. We are not serving you. The main doors have been locked. You must leave or else the police will be called"

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A DEAD MAN. I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU SAY THAT WHEN I RETURN WITH MY 12 bore SHOTGUN. WHICH I WILL DO IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THIS FUEL. GET THE PUMP ON MAN!"


JG's phone rang. It was Rob. Better answer it.

The usual beeping started up, every bloody spin as well. Probably red sevens every spin. Knowing Rob.

Glasses sprinted over to the door, his face contorted due to furious anger. He pummelled the glass with his fists.

"What's going on JG?"

"Oh errr nothing, how many £500 coins have you had?"

"Oh it has been poo, I've only been allowed out for two hours as Lee wants to go for some spa treatments later, so I've only got round six shops. Just had the one £500 coin. That's shit isn't it? What's that banging and shouting?"

"Oh that's just the banging and shouting noise. Nothing to worry about"

"YOU CUNT! YOU FUCKING CUNT!!! I'LL BOOT THIS DOOR IN YOU STUCK UP FUCKING MUGGY CUNT!!! SEE HOW YOU LIKE THAT. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK YOU'VE CALLED THE POLICE. I'LL FUCK THEM UP AS WELL!!!! YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE PAL!!! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!!"

"JG is everything ok?"

"Just fine, yeah that's just an....an....argument.......someone else......been a slow day here, a pound up before expenses"

"Oh that is a bit poo, yeah I'm just....well I'd better not say......y'know £500 coin and I did get a £410 roll in of bars. Twice."


"It must have played extremely shit though yeah? Those big guns only come out when you put twice as much in, so you're a grand down for the pot?"


"Not exactly. Only made £925. Shit isn't it?"

"Well no, I mean I'm a pound up and truth be told the day isn't so great......"


Glasses booted the glass panel of the door, BANG! BANG! The third time the glass shattered. It was security glass, so whilst it was shattering, it'd take a load more kicks to go through. BANG!!!! "SEE YA FUCK!!!! IM NOT MESSING I'M COMING TO FUCK YOU UP!!!"


"ME and Lee are having a Marks and Spencers dinner. Onion mash and gravy with Spatchcock chicken in leek sauce and a side salad each and custard tart for pudding. What on earth is that din....."

"Oh it's just the kicking the door in din."

"THe what.....oh errrr the hills have put the bonuses on again....might want to check......"

"Well I would do, but circumstances prevailing I might errr.....might errr walk up to Keresley and get a taxi home first"


"Live five coins JG, live five coins. Pick one."

"Oh I don't know....."

JG thought long and hard. Which coin would fuck ROb up the most? £925 up the jammy bastard. He must pick the £5 coin. Coin 4 that was an innocuous coin that was sure to be disaster.

"COin 4 ROb."

"4? Are you mad? I'd go 3"

The glass had partially gone through, enough to push it out the way. Glasses was in the garage and hurling mars bars and bags of fertiliser at the security shutters on the counter. A Polish trucker stood and watched bemused.

"I'm thinking the £500 coin is due in the most unlikely position. Go for four...."

"JG if this is £5 I'm cutting you off, the call will terminate. If I was OB I would be guaranteed the £500 coin.....£80...ooh it's the good set up then.....£120....d'oh.......£20.....£40......................JG!!!! It's the.....well just listen!!!!!!! "


He disconnected the call. THere was still banging and shouting. He put £40 in the compartment under the radio.

"See you later George! I'm just going to walk up to Keresley....get some fresh air......."


And off he walked, his chimpanzee legs able to walk around the barriers, past the school for guide dogs and onto Bennett's Road North. All in all it had been a funny old day and his feet ached and his head ached.....from the distance a box of Boost bars infused with guaranja were being hurled at a security shutter. The police were on their way. THe swearing continued in the distance. He noted the duty manager was still referring to glasses as Sir. Such was life. There was a lot to ponder on, he had the taxi number in his phone and just put the phone back in his pocket. His brain was going to have to do as much thinking as his legs were walking. It started to rain. Obviously.
JG
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