Write up
Posted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 1:27 am
As a freelance fruit examiner, I am sometimes called upon to witness acts of skill and feedback these to this site if required. This is a serious matter and cannot be punctuated with Bl**ps.
The candidate was smurf boy, his (or her) identity will remain totally anonymous and for the duration of this posting he (or she) will be known as smurf boy from Fruit chat.
As an assesor of skill I have a very busy schedule, so I was disappointed to turn up to the examining hall and note that the candidate had taken a toilet break. Toilet breaks are not generally permitted as candidates can watch videos of Kesh skilling up Cleudos on YouTube, on their mobile, which could be an unfair advantage.
Initially the bodyguards had a quick go on the skill testing device. Alas, I can only award a bronze medal for effort here.
Before I continue, the assesment results go as follows
Fail (F) - Awarded when skill is so bad that co-ordination is insufficient to walk through the door of the pub
Unclassified (U) - Awarded when everyone is too drunk to see what happenned
E (E) - An ironic award for those who can't hit the 'e' on a skill continue
D (D) - Awarded for those who consistently hit the triple bar or cherry on Cashbuster and have an uncanny ability to totally miss the jackpot.
C (C) - Awarded for someone who can consistently get to £4 from skill cash on Hall of Fame
B (B) - Awarded for skilling up to red £4 consistently and only very intermittent use of wedges, timeouts when only necessary
A (A/Bronze) - Awarded for competent mastery of cluedos, fast S'nS on Reds.
A (A/Silver) - Awarded for performing such skills as very fast stop 'n steps, such as Reel Match on £5 4 reelers, or a crowd pleasing GUAC whereby the WILD is always effortlessly stopped on the line. Consistency and reliability are key points here as well, it's not just about showmanship.
A (A/Gold) - Awarded to the skills grandmasters for feats such as Shoot 'em ups. Cross eyed brain addling granddaddy skill sets.
A (A*/Platinum) - A ninja like award never yet awarded for those that can skill blindfolded. A zen like approach to skills is exhibited that is in a different league to most humans.
Based on what was witnessed, I initially reached for the A/Silver award. Three skill tests were run in the course of the exam. The first was unsuccesful, the second was designed to slip off, like a numbering cashbuster playing up, the candidate recognised this and reported this accordingly. The third skill was played through with distinction.
However, earnings, references and anecdotal evidence supplied, suggested that an A/Gold was a more fitting award for the candidate.
** CEREMONY **
Toot! Toot! Bl**p! Toot!
That's just the trumpets. Ignore them.
Smurf Boy, you are herby awarded an A/Gold award from the Faculty of Fruit for services to skills, as of 23/07/09.
I award myself a 'U' for services to location provision, and promise to be more accurate in future. 2nd wasn't my fault, but 3rd I think I must have f*cked up, unless it has changed ownership in the past month. At least I got the first one right. Shouldn't have gone back to £35s lol ffs?!?
Not playing every day and having more fun in another town centre atm, so will have to properly spot my own turf soon.
The candidate was smurf boy, his (or her) identity will remain totally anonymous and for the duration of this posting he (or she) will be known as smurf boy from Fruit chat.
As an assesor of skill I have a very busy schedule, so I was disappointed to turn up to the examining hall and note that the candidate had taken a toilet break. Toilet breaks are not generally permitted as candidates can watch videos of Kesh skilling up Cleudos on YouTube, on their mobile, which could be an unfair advantage.
Initially the bodyguards had a quick go on the skill testing device. Alas, I can only award a bronze medal for effort here.
Before I continue, the assesment results go as follows
Fail (F) - Awarded when skill is so bad that co-ordination is insufficient to walk through the door of the pub
Unclassified (U) - Awarded when everyone is too drunk to see what happenned
E (E) - An ironic award for those who can't hit the 'e' on a skill continue
D (D) - Awarded for those who consistently hit the triple bar or cherry on Cashbuster and have an uncanny ability to totally miss the jackpot.
C (C) - Awarded for someone who can consistently get to £4 from skill cash on Hall of Fame
B (B) - Awarded for skilling up to red £4 consistently and only very intermittent use of wedges, timeouts when only necessary
A (A/Bronze) - Awarded for competent mastery of cluedos, fast S'nS on Reds.
A (A/Silver) - Awarded for performing such skills as very fast stop 'n steps, such as Reel Match on £5 4 reelers, or a crowd pleasing GUAC whereby the WILD is always effortlessly stopped on the line. Consistency and reliability are key points here as well, it's not just about showmanship.
A (A/Gold) - Awarded to the skills grandmasters for feats such as Shoot 'em ups. Cross eyed brain addling granddaddy skill sets.
A (A*/Platinum) - A ninja like award never yet awarded for those that can skill blindfolded. A zen like approach to skills is exhibited that is in a different league to most humans.
Based on what was witnessed, I initially reached for the A/Silver award. Three skill tests were run in the course of the exam. The first was unsuccesful, the second was designed to slip off, like a numbering cashbuster playing up, the candidate recognised this and reported this accordingly. The third skill was played through with distinction.
However, earnings, references and anecdotal evidence supplied, suggested that an A/Gold was a more fitting award for the candidate.
** CEREMONY **
Toot! Toot! Bl**p! Toot!
That's just the trumpets. Ignore them.
Smurf Boy, you are herby awarded an A/Gold award from the Faculty of Fruit for services to skills, as of 23/07/09.
I award myself a 'U' for services to location provision, and promise to be more accurate in future. 2nd wasn't my fault, but 3rd I think I must have f*cked up, unless it has changed ownership in the past month. At least I got the first one right. Shouldn't have gone back to £35s lol ffs?!?
Not playing every day and having more fun in another town centre atm, so will have to properly spot my own turf soon.