Fruit Machine Chat

Just a round-up of my favourite ones that my friends (or I) have used...

* I'm in the jail
* I've just found out my girlfriend had an abortion and didn't tell me
* I found a lump when I was having a shower this morning.
* The washing machine flooded and there's a guy coming out to fix it (this was a 2 day sickie)
* A bird shat on me on the way to work
* Cystitis


Anyone else got a good one?

Someone at my old company called in and said she had painters round painting her window frames and had to wait for the paint to dry so that she could shut the windows.

Brings a new meaning to the expression "watching paint dry".

not to mention "I've got the painters in"

very true sir, although ive never heard that one?

"I've got the painters and decorators in" is a euphanism for "Arsenal are playing at home this week", "rag week" or simply "on the blob".

my postie once told me without any hint of irony:
"it's half term so everyone is off sick"

also schoolboy excuses: "my mum didn't have time to do my homework",
"i can't do PE today because i am too fat"

An old mate of mine actually went to jail for just over a month, claimed his Grandad (who he was very close to) had died and he was off with depression. The company was never the wiser.....pretty low though

Worker "I'm sick, can't come in today"
Boss "How sick are you?"
Worker "Well, i'm in bed with my sister"

An oldie but a classic

minging,

One of the managers came into work still fucked from the night before last week (4pm) and couldn't do a thing, not quite a sickie but funny. He asked me to stay on and do his shift for him but i told him where to go, his brother came in in the end on his day off, he wasn't amused

I like the 'Im in Jail' one!

I have told work that my girlfriend slipped over and hit her head which had meant i had been up all night at A&E and i needed to keep an eye on her

Car broke down? Good for a morning off :P

I think im actually gonna use the jail one lol - but is there any causes of being in jail that actually sounds good to the employer? id actually like to look shit hot hard aswell as having the day off?

My mate pulled that one out when he was at uni. He worked in a hardware shop at the weekend, and he just twanged the whole weekend without phoning in. Therefore, the jail sickie was perfect as an excuse cos he didn't want to waste his only phone call phoning up his work.

Car sickies are a beaut... for all you speccy-wearers, there's nothing better than the "I've broken / lost my glasses and don't have any spares. See you in a week"...

My other mate booked a week's holiday in Spain then found out he couldn't get the time off. He was planning on going on the holiday and phoning in sick from Spain every day... not sure how he was going to explain the lovely all over tan he got!

I usually use the 'I've been brushing up on my croquet at my country retreat' excuse.