unofficial fruitchat christmas compo'08

[mr lugsy]

it's that time of year again when you get the fooking p155 taken out of you by your relatives who seem totally oblivious to your hammed up squeals of delight when presented with the same old lynx gift set year after year.

this year it could be different.


what does every little slotter want for christmas?.........................
well i'll tell you ,it's a brand spanking new time machine

it so happens that i have "a brand spanking new time machine"*.

i will gladly award it to the fruitchatter who posts the most amusing(as judged by me) time machine based slotting experience,fiction or non fiction

please keep this thread on topic
this compo is open to all fruitchatters including those on the payroll
closing date 23:59:59 ,24.12.2008

winner announced boxing day.
lugsy's decision is final










* due to current technological restraints the prize awarded may be a non working model of a time machine (a boxed ,back to the future DeLorean time machine ,from either bttf 1 ,2 or3)

[harry2]

Honest Harry's Odds

1/5 JG

7/2 The Field !!!

I'll give it a go after work !!!!

[betchrider]

Id say JG's more like1/1000!

[betchrider]

No pressure now of course!

[HorseRacingKing]

JG

WALK OVER

1.01

MARKET SUSPENDED

[harry2]

I'm going to outGeorge the great man !!!! Give me £1 at 100/1 please.

[Matt Vinyl]

JG should have a handicap applied, whereby the 'B' on his keyboard must not be used...

A slightly (but only slightly) more level playing field then...

[trayhop123]

ok ill play the game ,,,,,,, erm went back in time , got last weeks lotto numbers - the end




short and pitiful i know

i was gonna do a well thought out 4 page effort but then i thought what's the point ? whatever i could come up with would have been royally trounced by the master so why bother .................... over to you george

[mr lugsy]

o.k to keep this fair "the bard" is excluded because everyone else is obviously scared .................................no, hold on that's damn right unfair.

if george does indeed wish to enter he is excluded from using the letters b ,l ,o and p and it must read o.k

guess that throws him 20lbs out of the proverbial handicap and levels it a bit for some of the more intellectually(?) challenged

good luck to all those who are up for this.

[jpfuk]

"Hello.... hello"........"See, told you we wernt back".

"Course were back, it''s in the trailer"

"We lost the trailer 17 days ago, after you tryed shoving a hi-low siver in it and some mountain man started to chase us".." which reminds me, you owe my pop £22.90 for that loss"..
" well if were not back, then you pop will never know, anyway, it has the sat nav in it.. he will trace the isq"..

"..ISQ... is fucking q..... we left it in 2311... last time i looked we were in 1999"...

"True..., but we made a mint from the old hot shots and ceasers"..

"Hmmm... so where are we now?....... DONT OPEN THE FOOKING DOOR"...

"why not?.... were back"....

"Just roll down the window and ask, dont do any thing daft"....

"Ok"...." scuse me mate... what year is this?....... HELLO....HELLLLLLLLO...

"Fuck... wind the window up.. QUICK"...


"WHAT"?..

"Look at this paper"

"and... dated 2598.. see. told you we wern't back!"

"Look at the head line dumn nuts"..


"Omfg..... Horseracingking clones all of man kind and all fruit players are incinerated on the spot"......

"How the hell did they fit that title on one page?"..


"Start the fucking car u mug... turn ure cap back to front if it helps and get us the fuck outa here".....

"oK, OK jeez this time line ha done nowt for you chavness"

" Fook that was close..... this looks better, i see a spoons"

"So were back?"...

"Guess so".....

What they got"?

"Can i at least wind down the window and look without you laying a wet fart on my leg in fear"?

" Shut up and go look cheese wipe"

"Right.... they have a deal no deal ...save Noels life?.. some red gaming called toolers paradise, and a crest called not another zzzzzzzzzz.....

"Cool... lets go have a punt.."...

"Erm....something you might need to know"

"what"

" You know when you walk in a bar, get the feeling you should be ordering a pint of blood, then wipe your feet on the way out"..

"Yeah.. it's a spoons.. and.. nowt new"

"well..... ahh go look for your self"...

................

................

"What the FUCK is a fruit chatl?..... Every bar member is called fruit chat, all the drinks are called a fruit chat and large... even the save noels life paid out £60 mega in coins i...... with matt bloody v's face on...."?

"Tryed to tell ya mate.... seems this time line is ruled by frut chatopians...."

"Get in the car.... lets go... jeez.. fruit chat and large......"

.................

.................

"WHATCH OUT........... you nearly rammed that jd sports nike stand..... sweet christ, be carefull, you know that would have wiped out every player under 25 ffs.....

"So.... ARE WE BACK....

"Yeah were back....... i see me old dear"..

" Shes banging the next door neihbour ffs"..!!!!

"Like i said... were back"

"Let me check the trailer.... woohaa... its there"...




http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kEspnFv1vX4

[JG]

Right. Here we go, impromptu and off the cuff as I do need an early night and it's a quarter to one. Let it roll...


Whilst waiting at the bar of The Flying Standard, a stocky well built stranger muscled in on JG's breathing space.

"Skateboard for sale. £5. Interested?"

It wasn't a usual opener. If you were going to talk to a stranger at a bar, it'd usually be to complain about something, probably the service. An instant sales patch was cut throat even for the cash generator brigade.
JG startled, mustered a reply.

"Uh errr, I think my skateboar..."

But he was cut short by the clipped but assertive tones of the stocky Northerner. If he had to place the accent he would guess around Durham area, but he couldn't pay too much attention to that singular facet as the voice was commanding him to listen, which he did

"....ding days are over? Don't think so lad. You see, this skateboard is a time machine."

Right. This was it. This was the conflict situation. This was the moment that every bodily sphincter contracted and vast quantities of adrenaline were produced. The guy was a nutjob. He was clearly addicted to some sort of class A drug and needed to fund this habit by sales of dubious looking skateboards to strangers in pubs. Humour him JG, humour him, I wish they'd hurry up with my pint he thought.

"Oh err, a time machine. How does that work then? I mean it doesn't look like a...."

"...police box? No. Well don't believe what you see on the television. Let me explain how it works. You step on the board and you need to be on a level surface. Lean left to travel backwards in time. The more you lean, the faster you travel. Lean right to travel forwards in time. When you stand up straight, you'll be where you see in time."

"That's interesting, but I don't really need that just at the minute, you see I'm doing Christmas Shopping and to be honest it's just another gadget that'll clutter up the house and create a rift between me....."

"and the girlfriend. Heard it all before. One thing you need to be careful of doing, is standing up straight when you're travelling through a building. It doesn't do you any good materialising inside a 1980s tower block. You'll find that concrete normally gets the better of human flesh and bone. Travel through, keep leaning. Remember it doesn't get solid until you stand up. Don't become a fossil waiting to be blown apart."

This guy was clearly off his box. A total mentaloid. JG was standing right in the corner, at the end of the bar and the stranger had pretty much blocked him in with his large bulk. Time to silver tongue his way out of parting with a fiver for a child's skateboard, stolen to feed the father's drug habit no doubt.

"Useful advice, err about the fossil thing, I'll bear that in..."

"...mind. Yes but that's not all, you need to know that you can't change history. You can't do it. You will be yourself as you are now. You can't relive your life, only view it from the perspective of a time traveller. Try to stay hidden from yourself, lots of curious strangers popping up saying that they're you in twenty years time, IS unsettling. Mind you, I'm sure you'd remember from your childhood if something like that happened, so I'll say well done in advance for heeding my advice."

There was a well timed break as the mysterious stranger finished that bit of spiel and the barman came back to say that the Guiness was off. JG selected a more generic branded stout and the banter continued from the stranger, who had adopted a less threatening stance and had now become more of a pub bore, an expert in time travel, too much of an expert some might say. This was starting to perplex JG. Maybe, just maybe. Nope it was rubbish, don't fall for it. He was new to the blagging game and was wasting time with pointless sales banter. He should just have threatened to headbutt me and be done with it. However, the patter continued.

"Another thing. A misconception. People think when you mention time travel, it's a key to travel anywhere. NO. It's a key to travel anyTIME. Almost. I'll not lie to you, this is the Lada Riva of skateboards. You can't do 200mph in a Lada and you're not getting past 2030, or before 1970 in a hurry. So no thoughts of going to prehistoric Australia. You want that? Do you want to go to prehistoric Australia?"

"I hadn't really...."

"...thought about it. NO. I don't suppose you would have done. You want to see lots of flared trousers and dodgy hairstyles in Birmingham? Well you got it. You just need to hop on a train first. Wouldn't advise using the timeboard in New Street Station though. When you're travelling back, or forward, you'll see the time shift, however other people will see a man leaning on a skateboard until you solidify in your new chosen time. If someone were to knock you off the timeboard, you'd go spinning off into God knows when and the timeboard would end up over then. Unless you're minutes apart, you're lost without hope. In those situations, it's best to relive your life up to the time you are at now, here, in this pub. Then go missing for two years and reunite with your family, having looked like you aged twenty years in two years. It's complicated. Say that you got lost and landed up on a desert island and the sun and sand has prematurely aged your skin. The money you'll get from the papers will cover lost earnings. I always use librarys to travel time. They're quiet and you don't get jostled. Try the archeological aisle, you should be fine unless Baldrick and his merry men descend on that very library. Never happened yet. Safe as houses mate."

Again a convenient break as the pint of Guirphys stout arrived. The guy had put such effort into his sales pitch, that JG was compelled to hand over the fiver, if only to get away and over to the machines.

JG took the skateboard. He had been mugged off and that's for sure. A right royal tale. This guy was smarter than the average salesman and that was a fact. He had spun a weave of fiction, so fantasical, it beggered belief. JG convinced himself that he hadn't been mugged off, he hadn't been tricked. He contemplated deeply, suspended in time if you like. If it was true, heh heh, just imagine, yeah just imagining that was worth a fiver. Imagine actually pressing the perspex in on a Joker's Wild. Not going to happen. Jesus JG what you worrying for? It's a reasonable skateboard, you could even take up skateboarding, well no, ok, no maybe not, but you could sell it at the car boot. Entertaining yarn, got to give him credit. Like a nerd who knows all the SP about the Starship Enterprise. Maybe he's just a bit of a blagger, not such a bad guy, very captivating, then...

"OI! Twat features!!"

JG looked up, then looked down. Bad reflex action.

"I've got mega streak! You snooze, ya lose!!!"

Oh God. Some oik on the bandit, a local rat. He looked up sheepishly to see the culprit, the voice actually seemed rather familiar.



It was then that he saw himself, with skateboard in tow, with a ripped mega streak on the machine.

AND it was then he knew that the next machine on the hit list, was a Rat Race, for there would be plenty of time to make on the Chip 'n Spins much later, or earlier, depending on how you see it.


The End.


Edit: Ok chaps, that's the draft copy. I haven't adhered to any of the handicaps yet. The final submission will have to be ammended significantly. Hopefully it has thrown down the gauntlet and the competition will heat up and Honest 'arry's book can become a bit more level.

[jpfuk]

Beats my lame effort

[mr lugsy]

good work guys.

[mr lugsy]

ok ill play the game ,,,,,,, erm went back in time , got last weeks lotto numbers - the end

if you'd gone forward in time for next weeks numbers it would have been more lucrative mate

[trayhop123]

hmmmmmmm of course , wondered why i didn't win ? drat and double drat ,,,,,, what a dumb ass
maybe just maybe if i fly fast enough i can catch back up with you all , ops: