Fruit Machine Chat

Post your examples that have made you chuckle here.

I recall trying to cook 'Haloumi' on my BBQ earlier this summer but unfortunately, we didn't end uup consuming much of it due to it ending up on the coals. A pal of mine sauntered over with his beer and stated that 'I see the old BBQ griddle-base gap-width conundrum has you stimmied again'. For some reason we chuckled about it for most of the evening (we had of course, had a few!)

Some more...

Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was omniously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction having been traversed by the young man.

Complications arose during a non-congressional investigation of dietary influence. One person of the male gender was unable to assimilate adipose tissue, and another person, of the female gender, was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. A reciprocal arrangement between the two, who also happened to be a party of a domesticated alliance, allowed for the total consumption of the viands under consideration, which was unltimately achieved, thus, leaving the original container of the viands devoid of any contents.

A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.

A person of the female gender, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for the production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic growth, and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.

A geriatric person of female gender proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified deceased specimen to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated mammal, Canis familiaris, of the family Canidae. Upon arrival at her destination, she found the storage compartment in denuded condition, with the consequence that the indigent carnivore was deprived of the intended donation.

A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. The aforesaid adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.

I have a slight propensity for verbosity when I am communicating via the medium of electronic online bulletin boards.
I am of the opinion that none of you esteemed gentleman will have, so far, noticed this rather unfortunate predilection.

Excellent!

Now, where's the JG? We're waiting for the meticulous care with which you will execute your finely formulated machinations to extricate us from this devastating dilemma.

Dr. Samuel Johnson: [places two manuscripts on the table, but picks up the top one] Here it is, sir. The very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
Blackadder: Every single one, sir?
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Every single word, sir!
Blackadder: Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafribularities.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: What?
Blackadder: "Contrafribularites", sir? It is a common word down our way.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Damn!
[writes in the book]
Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anispeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulation.

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[about the dictionary]
Blackadder: No, sir, it is not. It's the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French.
Prince George: You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you Blackadder?
Blackadder: Good Lord, sir, not at all. In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.
Prince George: But you do think he's a genius...?
Blackadder: No, sir, I do not. Unless, of course, the definition of "genius" in his ridiculous Dictionary is "a fat dullard or wobblebottom; a pompous ass with sweatly dewflaps".
Prince George: Ha. close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me. I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.
Blackadder: I'm delighted to have been instrumental of keeping your bosom free of arses, sir.

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Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I'm inuspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericumbobulations.

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[Baldrick has accidentally burnt Dr. Johnson's dictionary]
Blackadder: Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.

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Blackadder: We are going to Mrs. Miggins' Coffee Shop, we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of his dictionary, and YOU are going to steal it.
Baldrick: Me?
Blackadder: Yes, you.
Baldrick: Why me?
Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick.
Baldrick: But then I will go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder: Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil.

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[referring to Dr. Johnson's dictionary]
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. Where's the manuscript?
Baldrick: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. The manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick: So, you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now for the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript?
Baldrick: On the fire.
Blackadder: On the *what*?
Baldrick: The hot, orangy thing under the stony mantelpiece.

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Prince George: Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey.
Blackadder: Oh, an absurd suggestion sir, unless it was a particularly stupid donkey.

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Prince George: I'm as happy as a Frenchman who has just invented a pair of self-removing trousers.

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Blackadder: Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe.

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Prince George: [wakes up agitated] Oh, Blackadder. Blackadder!
Blackadder: You called sir?
Prince George: Wha- wha- what time is it?
Blackadder: Three o'clock in the afternoon, your highness.
Prince George: Oh, thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept.

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Prince George: Well, yes, you see, only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger, and it wasn't until later that I thought how clever it would've been to have said, "Oh, bugger off, you old fart!"

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Samuel Johnson: Not only have you impeculiated my dictionary, you have also lost the chance to act as patron to the only book in the world that is even better!
Blackadder: Oh. And what is that, sir? "Dictionary 2: The Return of the Killer Dictionary"?

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Blackadder: Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.
Baldrick: What, like Gerald Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.

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Blackadder: [rewriting the dictionary] Baldrick, what have you done?
Baldrick: I've done "C" and "D."
Blackadder: Right. Let's have it, then.
Baldrick: Right. "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."
Blackadder: What's that?
Baldrick: "C."
Blackadder: Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. Oh, and "D?"
Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with "dog."
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of "dog" is?
Baldrick: "Not a cat."

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Baldrick: [rewriting the dictionary] I did C.
Blackadder: Let's have it then.
Baldrick: "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in." C.

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Prince George: [reading] "Medium-sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement." Doesn't sound much like a bee to me!
Blackadder: It's an aardvark your highness, can't you see that? It's a bloody aardvark!

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Blackadder: [describing a novel he's written] Edmund. A Butler's Tale. A huge, roller coaster of a novel in four hundred sizzling chapters. A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in.

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Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what 'irony' is?
Baldrick: Yeah, it's like 'goldy' and 'bronzy’, only it's made of iron.

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Prince George: Ah, Dr. Johnson, damn cold day!
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Indeed it is sir - but a very fine one, for I celebrated last night the encyclopedic implementation of my pre-meditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon.
Prince George: Nope - didn't catch any of that.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Well, I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous since during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn, I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation of the vocabluary of our post-Norman tongue.
Prince George: Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing! I know some fairly liberal-minded girls, but I've never penultimated any of them in a solar sojourn, or for that matter, been given any Norman tongue.
Blackadder: I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years.
Prince George: Well, I'm a slow reader myself.

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Mrs. Miggins: Don't worry about my poets, Mr. Blackadder. They're not dead; they're just being intellectual.

Blackadder III.....my favourite chapter in the whole series, and that is one of my favourite ever epsiodes too. Brilliant!

Great read! I love that episode!

dr johnson's house is an interesting place if you are into words.

he was particularly racist too: his entry for oats was something like "a cereal eaten by the beasts in England and by the people in Scotland."

Classic!

also, using words like prolixity and loquaciousness as synonyms marks you out as a complete arse.


whoops ops: