Fruit Machine Chat

Shameless stolen from another forum. Enjoy.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste

funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the

other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.

He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

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"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and

go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.

But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs

and put it in a library.

I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were

chucking money to him.

I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'

He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an

ice-cream'.

He said Hundreds & thousands?'

I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'

He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'

I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?'

I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'

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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing

cabinet.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"

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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local

swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger

brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and

he said

'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted

again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I

went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Demmerz wrote:
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.

He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I'm sure I heard Billy Connolly use this in one of his videos?

lol good stuff

all them are mint . funny old mr cooper.

Grr. More miscredited on liners. they are actually from Tim Vine, and not Tommy Cooper :x

They used a selection in the stage musical about the great man, and from there on people credited them to him. I've got Tim Vine's DVD and saw him live 3 weeks ago, and he is fantastic!

what was that game show that tim vine used too present, can't think of it????

That would be Whittle on channel 5. I remember it was quite funny at times - i was only quite young at the time, as it was C5 launch era (1997ish). Stupid whittle masks anyone?

i'd just thought of the name too, yeah stupid masks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eshR-WpdYDM

Footage of the great man himself doing some standup 10 years ago. He ven used some of those jokes when i saw him last month! His act must be so hard to write!

Mr Cooper used to tip people saying "Get yourself a drink" and then press a tea bag into their hand. Comic genius though.