It was a hugely important night. The night that Nudgeman hoped would boost up his public appeal. The night of the most prestigious awards within the Slot Machine Kingdom. It was the night of The Jammies.
All over Nudgesville, bow ties were tweaked, facial hair clipped, aftershave splashed, refill keys polished and expensive clothes adorned, or capes given a quick rub down. Depending who or what you were.
Everyone was familiar with the original Nudgeman cartoons, but recently a couple of films had been made. The latest one was 'Nudgeman Repeats', a slick Holdywood blockbuster. It had gone down a storm with the critics and had been nominated for a Jammy award.
In Nudgeman's mind the award was won, it had to have been. The flashing carpet outside The Nudga-drome was surely in his honour and his honour only. The Jackpot Joker's puerile effort, 'Return of the Jackpot Joker' was received with hostility. In fact the film was so bad, that a truckful of Chinese imigrants were seen dumping dodgy DVD copies of the film into a nearby river before it was even shown at the local cinema.
At precisely half past seven in the evening a limousine pulled up and the chauffeur, Jackpot Jeeves, knocked the rock at the entrance to The Nudgecave.
Everyone who was anyone was present at The Jammies. They could make or break Christmas for an individual, such was the publicity associated with winning one. There were many different awards. All of which carried a certain prestige, even the more notorious awards carried a 'badge of honour' with them.
Nudgeman and Robin sat at the huge round table which appeared to be in attract mode. Flashy disco buttons and pulsating patterns weaved and darted underneath the table. Nudgeman instantly recognized a few of the characters at this particular table. There were a few fruit chat regulars.
A few important guests were still arriving downstairs at the entrance to the Nudga-drome. PMK was nominated for an award for most monkeys manipulated and by sheer coincidence an Empire winked away in the foyer, underneath the main podium, near some video games machines.
"Vince Topper, Daily Winner, PMK is it true you're the monkey king?"
Fibrillitic flashes blinded the apish nominee as he shrugged off the buffoonish question.
"That's someone else, I am the master of pots and manipulation."
"Powell Fife, Daily Bar, PMK is it true your accomplice had 52 repeats on a £2 repeater on an Up 'n Over?"
More epileptic flashes and another shrugged response. A mere smile at the Project Empire which had deliberately been placed in the foyer.
"I hope you've floated it up, I'll kill that later, after I've won my award upstairs."
Security ushered PMK upstairs and the stars kept on arriving.
Nudgeman was in full flow. Apparently it had taken only two takes to film one of the most complicated scenes in Nudegman Repeats. Whilst playing pool in one scene, Nudgeman had chipped the balls off the table to simulataneously nail a win stopper and a Roys Rolls.
"I say excellent, good one, I say excellent, good one. It's a classic line in a classic AWP scene, even if I do say so myself. Pure skills. Second take and it was in the bag. First take I got a slight kick and the ball skewed off onto a nearby trampoline, bounced all over a Vortex and scored a £105 top. The director thought it too ostentatious. It's on the DVD/Bloop Ray special out take features if you want to see it though. Hey, you guys know who's presenting this thing?"
A player by the name of MattB answered,
"Yeah it's a guy called James Thyme."
"Who?"
"James Thyme."
"Never heard of him"
"Neither have I, it was on the news at the local Nudgerspoons Pub at lunchtime. I wasn't paying that much attention. I was playing an Invincible and it pretty much redded up staright away and did £35, £35, £75 from a tenner in."
There were some appreciative whistles. Nudgeman didn't like the shift of the limelight from him to Matt and was considering saying something when the lights dimmed further.
"Ladies and Gentleman. This is the most important night in slot machine history. The night you've all been waiting for. It's The Jammies 2007, broadcast live on FM FM (Fruit machine FM) and The Digital Fruit Chat Channel, here's your host with the Midas Touch....It's Golden James Thyme."
A nod of appreciation at the choice of a nobody for the sake of making a pun at the start of The Jammies.
A gold sequined sparkly sunbleached suited man waved to the cheering audience.
"This will be the most sensational evening! There are more awards than ever to give out and it's all because there is so much talent here tonight. The first award is for the person who has got themselves barred from the most Nudgerspoons on the South Coast."
It was obvious who was going to win this one. Mr Chandler was a red hot favourite who went on to win.
The awards went on and on and on.
MattB duly picked up award for the luckiest player alive. He also gave the longest speech which featured many tales of £1 in, jackpot+repeat+repeat+repeat+repeat+lines+extra trimmings+bloop+£5 plus repeat which repeated+repeat+repeat+some more afterplay which repeated+repeat+repeat+repeat (repeat to fade)
"Fancy a trip to Cambridge some time Robin?"
"Yeah, I'll stick it in the diary. Every day in 2008 suit us? yeah good. Memo: Do a hit and run on MattB with The Nudgemobile."
A bizarre person called Streakypoos picked up the award for stupidest query ever sent to the help team at an on line poker room.
For sake of completeness, here is the winning email,
"Hi there. I'm usually pretty good on computer games, but I can't work this one out. It's called 'poker'.
I've tried configuring the keys, but to no avail.
The first phase is usually indicated by players building their shields to protect their 'cash'. After that some enemy spaceships shaped like playing cards fly around, you need quick reactions to shoot them. After that you get the boss wave. I realise the graphics are fairly primitive, so you use playing cards to represent the 'bosses' with an ace being worth more points than a deuce. You can also 'buy in' various power ups such as trips shooter, turbo speed and pocket rocket launchers.
I'm guessing the arrow keys should move me left and right. but I can only achieve this by clicking 'leave table' rejoining the 'table' and relocating to a different sector.
I believe some of the advanced no limit waves cost a lot to play, but with 200 points in my bankroll, I could not access the top levels!? Perhaps I need to unlock them by shooting the bosses on the lower tables?
One final question, there are no power pills and the ghosts seem to be hiding. This coupled with my mobility problems leads me to enquire for more help. Any cheats to help me take out all the phases of 'cards'? How do I shoot those enemy cards at the beginning?"
Poker Pete moaned that another stupid query had recently been receieved by a poker room regarding suck out bots and the last integer of people's ip addresses. Apparently an odd number indicated a better chance of flopping a flush. This was also Streakypoos's doing, so he won this category hands down without going to the showdown.
Dunhamz had the award for most branches of Gala Bingo visited and least games of bingo played in one week.
105top was awarded the golden troll award again for this year, but was unable to collect in person. A recorded message played.
"You're all sad. If you're listening to this you need to get a job and a life. Suckers. Thankyou for this award - losers. Keep filling 'em up! Internet wasters."
Logopolis got the award for 'Most monkeys manipulated' which caused a bit of a rufus. PMK stormed out in a huff muttering something about monkey kings and not appreciating value.
Reverand and the Makers took a Jammy for the best fruit machine song. "Bandits".
Then it was onto the best fruit machine film. The clip from Nudgeman Repeats played. Pool balls whizzed everywhere and good one! I say Excellent! played out the speakers.
Rapturous applause.
The clip from the Jackpot Jokers film played out....
"Hey look! A lousy cave in the middle of no where. I'd like to stick a bomb in this cave. BOOOM! BANG! CRASH!! Haha Whoever or whatever lived in there is now dead. The End."
There were a few half hearted claps.
James Thyme read out the result.
"And the winner of the category of best fruit machine motion picture 2007 is..................................................Nudgeman Repeats."
There were cheers and Nudgeman went up to collect the Jammy.
"Hey, thankyou all. I'd like first of all to thank someone who is very important to me. Someone who is always by my side. Someone who is often overlooked. That person is myself. I can always rely on myself to come up with the goods. I've a proven track record of winning and I'd like to thank myself and myself only for this fantastic achievement. Without myself, this would not have been possible. If I've forgotten to thank any of myself, I'd like to thank myself. Thanks also to Robin for cooking the Christmas dinner. It's a big turkey, so I think you need to start that now...no buts...off you trot.....there's a good chap......I'm not joking...off you pop......"
With that Robin dejectedly left his seat. A few claps were heard to spur him on, but there was no escape.
"Someone has locked the exit door Nudgeman.....we're locked in."
"Hehehe You lose a crystal AND your Jammy" cackled James Thyme.
He pulled off the naff sequin golden suit. The purple 'J' of doom stared Nudgeman in the face.
"MUHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHH 'TIS I! The JACKPOT JOKER. James Thyme my arse! You are all trapped. The doors are quasi-locked with multi-levered task anchors in every molecule. An atomic nudgebuster wouldn't break through those. You have fallen into my trap you goons!!! I have every single Internet fool locked up in this room. I shall teleport myself outside and spend the next few weeks, months, years, eternity cleaning up. I shall start in Cambridge. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA then Norwich...MUAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA. I shall have you vapourised before the pantomime on boxing Day! Have fun losers! But before I vaourise you all.....Nudgeman.......you will die."
"Not so. I have this anti-force kill technology in my pocket."
"And I have every rechip to your chipped anti-force technology. You're dead my little caped crusader. Prepare for death. HA!"
The anti-stabloneutron gun fired up. One jolt would split Nudgeman's body into a million pieces, shatterring his jagged pieced carcass into the brickwork at one million miles per hour.
"Well. This does seem a sticky situation. Let me see..."
"Hey Nudgeman. Hal O'Phame - Daily Trail - Seeing as you're going to die - any emptiers you can tell us?"
"Yes. Why yes. I have emptiers."
"Emptiers!!!" cackled The Jackpot Joker, "the only emptier you have now, is an emptier for your pants.....muhahahhahhahhahh cackle. You're in the shit!!! Nudgeboy!"
"Very witty. For your information. I do have a vast collection of highly useful fruit machine information that would show you up for the amateur you really are. You get all your information by pointing zap-o-blastic zappers to people's heads. Ever worked anything out yourself?"
"It's all talk, Fudgeman. You're deader than an 8 Liner on suck mode."
The wood started to split beneath the Jackpot Joker's feet.
PMK had stormed out when Logopolis took his coveted Jammy. He'd show 'em. That Empire in the foyer was getting cained, he'd make sure of that. The pot manipulation started instantly. Swap this, knockback that, kill that reflex, buzz up that reflex. The fun was only just starting. A few minutes in though and it was so buzzed up it had rolled in the feature.
"Hey look up there.....I wonder how high it's going to climb?"
The slow beat started against an audio backdrop of car horns and screaming. The monkey rose slowly but surely. Past the first streak, the second one, the jackpot and past the mega streak...the monkey rose and rose and rose and.....hit the ceiling...... and carried on.
It seemed everyone had noticed the horns, the screaming, the drums and the slowly rising monkey. Everyone apart from The Jackpot Joker. He was relishing in how he was going to torturously kill The Nudgeman.
"This gun is so powerful, that on 'fun' setting, it'd kill you within seconds. On 'maxi-kill' settting, it will kill you in micro seconds."
"And that is supposed to scare me even more?"
"Damn right Spludgeman. Zap. Splat. BIF! BOOOM! Wooosh! and you're a load of dust particles. Right enough chat....it's time to pull the trigger. Nice talking to you, love the bin liner, put a suit on next time scruff ball. Oh yeah...there won't be a next time fool! Now don't forget to smile as....."
"TRAIL HELD!!!" Boomed Nudgeman as he fired some trail held pellets at the critical moment at The Jackpot Joker. One pellet two pellet, three pellets. The third pellet the monkey was at knee level. He was holding a banana at a very intrusive angle. The monkey carried on rising, but Nudgeman had run out of trail holds.
"MUHAHAHHAHAHA Trail held pellets. You expected to get anywhere with those? They wouldn't get a feature on a Viva Espagne, let alone hold someone of my status for any meaningful length of time. It's the finale Nudgeman - you're dead. Time for the squeeze......"
<<Slow motion action>>
Rising monkey, trigger squeezing, Nudgeman powerless..
"SUPER SKILL STOP PELLETS............BLAP!!!!!!!"
The crowd looked puzzled.
"Super Skill Stop pellets? No such thing Nudgechump. You're dead meat. You've thrown some more spent trail held pellets at me - what you hoping for? The placebo effect? I'd have a heart attack at your Super Skill Stop pellets? FOOL! What did you think you'd achieve?"
"Enough time for an adequately sized model monkey to crawl into your rectum and insert a banana."
"MUHAHAHAHHAHAHA AHH AH AHH AH A HA A A AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh GOOOODDDAMMMNIT!!! THAT IS PAIN AS PAIN IS MEANT TO BE EXPERIENCED....>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!"
And with that The Jackpot Joker zapped himself into a vapour to escape from his painful existence.
The purple dust particles swirled around The Nudga-drome.
A hiss of air swooshed through the microphone, it sounded like "I'll get you Nudgit, I'll get you!" but no one could be sure. One thing they could be sure of, was that it was time to celebrate!!!
Party Poppers popped! Streamers streamed! Exclamation marks exclaimed! And it was Christmas. 2007. And Mattb got a hold highest on jackpot on the Empire, from £1, which was lucky, as PMK had just cleaned it out (and cleaned up the tip of the banana).
Happy Christmas one and all!!!!!!!
THE END.
Nudgeman Christmas Story 2007
-
GaryChandler
- Senior Member
- Posts: 2024
- Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:51 pm
- Location: Hampshire
gotta be the longest post ever 
Re: Nudgeman Christmas Story 2007
I admit to not reading the whole story, but that one made me smile :PStreakypoos wrote:
MattB duly picked up award for the luckiest player alive. He also gave the longest speech which featured many tales of £1 in, jackpot+repeat+repeat+repeat+repeat+lines+extra trimmings+bloop+£5 plus repeat which repeated+repeat+repeat+some more afterplay which repeated+repeat+repeat+repeat (repeat to fade)
.
Ob you did get the most pessimistic player award, it was just edited out of the final version. There were many, many awards.
The Nudgeman story is Christmas tradition as much as overindulgence, festive socks and bad presents, such as festive socks.
2007 is the first year the story was kindly hosted at fruit chat. In previous years it was posted on the 'dark side', SuperArcadia. In 2005 there was no story due to an accident with a heavy chair, a lo-tech and an irritating woman.
Previous stories have got lost in a tragic accident called me buying a new computer and not backing up all those old Word documents.
It is posted purely for entertainment purposes and contains no subliminal links to make you buy laser hopper dumpers or visit on line casinos of dubious origin - yet.
As an encore I shall do a quick resume of my Christmas Day. Christmas Eve some bevvies and a very quick session of poker before bed at 1am. Awoke at 8am and was dragged out of bed at 8:30am. Very civilised. Breakfast was Weetabix. The other half's family are down here, so I was invited to the local church service. It's a new house, so along with take away menus, we actually had flyers for church services. A quick google later and we had our local place of worship on the map.
Apparently her family don't walk anywhere, so we, no I had to drive us all two minutes down the road to the church, which I drove straight past as it's a modern church with no great big steeple. It looked like two youth clubs welded together with a bell in the roof.
The service was slightly 'new age'. Also it was warm inside. This is wrong, on entering a church I expect to die of pneumonia and inhalation of deadly spores from years of damp impregnation causing strange fungus growth in the fistures.
So it was warm and ever so slightly 'happy clappy'. WE sang a euphoric song relating to Jesus. The crowd were loving it! I however was squinting at the words on the projector screen (come on! No Hymn books) and pretending to sing as a woman kept giving me 'evils'. She could probably detect my agnostic tendencies.
Then the vicar, I think it was a vicar, there was no dog collar. It could have been a car salesman, started the sermon. This involved a long bout of children bringing up Christmas presents, more modern hymns, lots of things I'd never heard of and eventually a bow to tradition with The Lord's Prayer and a reading from something called 'The Bible'.
At some point a collection tray came around and I popped down a quid, looking around to see if there was a Golden Game or something I could win my quid back on later. Alas it wasn't that modern.
Still her family liked it, despite it being all a bit new age.
Then it was present opening and food eating. So now I'm pumping out methane equivalent to a field of cows and all cross eyed and Dxed up. I might read Al Murray's book about common sense in a bit. I'll try and steer away from the poker.
Lots of LOL @ All night for $8. That's like one of my sessions. Personally I'd pay £4 for some good solid sleep, but there you go. Here's to another night and another $8 in my bank account. Pays for the shoe leather for me to press the accelerator pedal to get to work.
Quick tip: On 42 games on the Nintendo DS. Play the chess game on 'easy CPU' setting. There is no descernible difference to 'hard' setting apart from the fact that on hard setting it flashes up 'CPU thinking' for a longer time and still plays the same piss poor weak moves.
Hope that helps!
The Nudgeman story is Christmas tradition as much as overindulgence, festive socks and bad presents, such as festive socks.
2007 is the first year the story was kindly hosted at fruit chat. In previous years it was posted on the 'dark side', SuperArcadia. In 2005 there was no story due to an accident with a heavy chair, a lo-tech and an irritating woman.
Previous stories have got lost in a tragic accident called me buying a new computer and not backing up all those old Word documents.
It is posted purely for entertainment purposes and contains no subliminal links to make you buy laser hopper dumpers or visit on line casinos of dubious origin - yet.
As an encore I shall do a quick resume of my Christmas Day. Christmas Eve some bevvies and a very quick session of poker before bed at 1am. Awoke at 8am and was dragged out of bed at 8:30am. Very civilised. Breakfast was Weetabix. The other half's family are down here, so I was invited to the local church service. It's a new house, so along with take away menus, we actually had flyers for church services. A quick google later and we had our local place of worship on the map.
Apparently her family don't walk anywhere, so we, no I had to drive us all two minutes down the road to the church, which I drove straight past as it's a modern church with no great big steeple. It looked like two youth clubs welded together with a bell in the roof.
The service was slightly 'new age'. Also it was warm inside. This is wrong, on entering a church I expect to die of pneumonia and inhalation of deadly spores from years of damp impregnation causing strange fungus growth in the fistures.
So it was warm and ever so slightly 'happy clappy'. WE sang a euphoric song relating to Jesus. The crowd were loving it! I however was squinting at the words on the projector screen (come on! No Hymn books) and pretending to sing as a woman kept giving me 'evils'. She could probably detect my agnostic tendencies.
Then the vicar, I think it was a vicar, there was no dog collar. It could have been a car salesman, started the sermon. This involved a long bout of children bringing up Christmas presents, more modern hymns, lots of things I'd never heard of and eventually a bow to tradition with The Lord's Prayer and a reading from something called 'The Bible'.
At some point a collection tray came around and I popped down a quid, looking around to see if there was a Golden Game or something I could win my quid back on later. Alas it wasn't that modern.
Still her family liked it, despite it being all a bit new age.
Then it was present opening and food eating. So now I'm pumping out methane equivalent to a field of cows and all cross eyed and Dxed up. I might read Al Murray's book about common sense in a bit. I'll try and steer away from the poker.
Lots of LOL @ All night for $8. That's like one of my sessions. Personally I'd pay £4 for some good solid sleep, but there you go. Here's to another night and another $8 in my bank account. Pays for the shoe leather for me to press the accelerator pedal to get to work.
Quick tip: On 42 games on the Nintendo DS. Play the chess game on 'easy CPU' setting. There is no descernible difference to 'hard' setting apart from the fact that on hard setting it flashes up 'CPU thinking' for a longer time and still plays the same piss poor weak moves.
Hope that helps!