Nudgeman's christmas cracker - 2013
Posted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 12:08 pm
HYDE PARK CORNERED
Somewhere, many feet below the earth there are a series of catacombs. A huge network of tunnels leading to God only knows where exactly. Well someone knows, someone donning a stylish black cape and trousers that are a little bit too tight (but with huge pockets for plenty of coins) that someone is....The Nudgeman. For only he and he alone can navigate the complex labyrinthine mesh of tunnels and appear almost spontaneously at the entrance to any pub, services, train station cafe or arcade. It's a modern age marvel and here we pan in to the festive scene as The Nudgeman contemplates his next hit...
Robin opened up the box of baubles with such aplomb that they skedaddled every which way along various dark tunnels to God only knows where. Nudgeman looked up briefly from his N-phone and looked bemused.
"Oh well, looks like The Whippet and Sixpence in Tufflington Priors will have a few baubles burning in their open fireplace and dare I say it, Leicester Forest East services will have gained some baubles, behind the note recycler on the Northbound side"
Robin puffed his chest out indignantly, the iconic red of his chest making him look invincible.
"Point one. It's alright for you Nudgeman. You're happy to download pointless apps on that N-phone thingymy, whilst I'm working hard to add a touch of festivity to this dank cave. Point two, that tunnel over there does not lead to Leicester Forest East, that goes all the way to Vice Versa in Loughborough and opens up just behind the Seal the Deal, under the stairs."
"Well it's a moot point Robin. A very moot point. Your navigation of my superlative tunnel system has always been second rate. Honestly, you struggle with the London Underground which has a map for God's sake! But, fear not. Some kind soul has you in mind as they have created this wonderful app. Oh yes. You will never get lost again Robin."
"I wish you'd get lost you silly sod. Shut up about such nonsense, this tinsel won't hang itself you know"
"Forget the tinsel. Listen to this. A network of anonymous players have tagged with GPS, every live machine in the UK."
"I can't stand Dond Live, forced roll in wins get on my tits, lowering the % payback of decent wins that you actually want, never puts the £70 in either"
"No you numpty, not Dond LIVE, live as in machines that are currently in service, being sited here there and everywhere, you can find some right gems on this you know"
"What Giant Gems? Jolly Gems? Jackpot Gems?"
"No you thicko, anything anywhere.....name a machine......"
"Oh I dunno, err Mega Deal....you don't see many of them about any more"
"OK I'll key my location into the app and 'Mega Deal', let's see what comes up......"
"I expect it'll give one stupidly obvious location like Cherwell Valley services or something equally dumb"
"Oh no.....oh no no.....already I have 694 Mega Deals I could go and play. Ho Ho and all these suppliers. Look! SE Leisure, NW Leisure, SSW Leisure, Stuck in the bloody Midlands leisure. Then there's Pam, Pauline, Priscilla, Sceptre, Wraith, ghoul, Bob Rudd, Bill Dudd, Mike Fudd...etc need I go on? DO you fancy cold pubs, tepid pubs, luke warm pubs, insane bloody heat pubs? Maybe services? Remote truck stops? hotel lobby’s? Guest house game rooms? Wow! We will clean up on this I tell you."
"Alright. It sounds too good to be true. I think it's a late April Fool. Look at that Hyde Park Corner location...it doesn't give much detail....I mean that sounds a bit wrong. I want to actually SEE this Mega Deal. Let's go play it."
"Ok ye of little faith, I'll have you know I did 35 Red Mists in a day yesterday...no word of a lie"
"Well how much did you make?"
"I can't tell you Robin. It's too much for you to handle."
"Grrr....but we go halves on everything don't we?"
"Oh ok ok they were all 5/10/20 and I had to buy a drink at each one apart from the secret trucker's cafe, but the potential was there"
"Well whatever, let's see this Mega which I doubt even exists, who is the supplier for a start?"
"Oh errr Royal Leisure"
"Tsk, never heard of them, must be made up....let's debunk this stupid app and get back to the very non superheroish A-Z and pencil and paper..."
So our super duo break into a vigorous pace and disappear into one of the many tunnels, guided by the app.
"So are you telling me, these anonymous players have stayed in every flea pit in Blackpool so as they can tag a Pizza The Action or Viva Espagne?"
"You better believe it.....it's amazing.....here we are....I can hear the traffic, this is the entrance to Hyde Park corner, yeah the coast is clear....no one can see us.....we're near the Mega Deal it's in that big massive palatial pub over there...The Buckingham I think it's called....come on, let's cross.....quick!"
"This looks kind of...err...familiar Nudgeman....like I've seen this place before.....maybe I've had heat in here before now"
"Well let's hope not as there are all sorts of suppliers and all sorts of old school playables...quickly, the doors are closed, excellent, we're here before doors, good times"
It turned out the door was ever so slightly ajar.
"I know what has happened here, the landlord...or maybe lady, has opened up and needed to take a quick poo before attending the bar. I think we can safely walk in....order our cheapo cordials and let the rinsing commence. Maybe I'll give a little shout so as they know we're here......SERVICE!"
An elderly gentlemen of not emeritus distinction and poise appeared before the unwitting duo.
"My goodness me! So pleased you could make it. Her Majesty is awaiting your presence, please without delay, let me take you to meet her. Your coats gentlemen?"
"Oh err, no they're kind of sewed onto our skin. Yes...unusual look I know, but err...are her cash pots high?"
"Absolutely Sir! As high as you like. She's not short of a bob or two you know is Her Majesty"
"And err is she full?"
"Oh yes full of beans, such bon viveur today, really looking forward to meeting you...."
"Likewise. And err, may I enquire what's in her box?"
"Well I would say that was her business and her business alone."
"Absolutely, I'll just look down the sides"
"You will DO NO SUCH THING!"
"Of course. Very sorry. A bit fire and all that....yes don't worry we'll keep it low key"
"Well make sure you do. It's about time The Palace had a decent electrician. Don't forget your manners. It's your Majesty when you address her...I should show you up but I have a host of other palatial duties to attend to and the flickering chandelier is getting worse, I don't want to scuff these Berluttis as my way isn't clearly illuminated. It's the second floor, The Green Room, staircase over there on the West Wing. Make sure you knock before you enter."
Nudgeman noticed the high levels of security cameras as he climbed the stairs. Nothing wrong with being security conscious and what had he to fear? This was a legit playing method after all...this place was oozing cash, this Mega Deal or Majesty or whatever people called it would be gagging. No Staffy Bull Terriers here, just a few Corgis nipping about. These punters must be loaded....but meanwhile somewhere else.....
<<MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NUDGEMAN THE GULLIBLE has been TRICKED AGAIN! What a cunning plan. I do amaze myself sometimes. How do I do it? Such genius. As soon as he sets foot in that room, I will trigger a national security alert via this remote device and every SWAT unit in London will have him cornered. Not only that, he'll be in jail for a long, long time. Leaving me all his routes and spoils. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not long now, look at the Caped Loserader and his hapless sidekick walk into the trap. Even more genius I've contrived an electrical fault and actually sited a Mega Deal and other playables in the Palace. MUHAHAHAHAH! It's the realistic touches that make this set up so funny....I wonder when the penny will drop. He obviously hasn't smelt a rat at all, I even put my name on the app...created by JJ (Jackpot Joker) enterprises....muhahahahaha!"
"They seem to like us here Robin. I mean just checking the app, there's a trail holding Digger over by that banqueting table, there's an unchipped amazing in the wine cellar, a p1 Alien in the third master guest bedroom. Let's not take the piss, let's get this Mega done first...ah this must be the room, flicky chandelier in the corridor, that barman did say something about it getting worse, if I was epileptic I wouldn't be happy, must be dodgy wiring in the ceiling rose, never mind....after you Robin...."
"No you first....."
"Oh if you insist....."
"Funny old pub isn't it? All these nooks crannies and bedrooms and what have you. Very cosy, if a little intimidating in some respects. I mean the wealth of the Landlord or Landlady must be immense. I've seen pubs hang pictures on the walls, but some of these are amazing and look at those chandeliers...wow I wonder if there's a giant Jenga anywhere or an L-shaped pool table? Anyway.....here we are....don't bother knocking, don't want to make the locals suspicious...ah yes, there's the barmaid, let's get out drinks in and then get those cash pots out...I can see a £70 from here......"
"Oh thank goodness. One is most pleased that finally an electrician of distinction can sort out this messus horriblis flickus nightmarus in and outside of this humble palatial room"
"Sorry love, didn't catch all of that. Two blackcurrant cordials please."
Somewhere, many feet below the earth there are a series of catacombs. A huge network of tunnels leading to God only knows where exactly. Well someone knows, someone donning a stylish black cape and trousers that are a little bit too tight (but with huge pockets for plenty of coins) that someone is....The Nudgeman. For only he and he alone can navigate the complex labyrinthine mesh of tunnels and appear almost spontaneously at the entrance to any pub, services, train station cafe or arcade. It's a modern age marvel and here we pan in to the festive scene as The Nudgeman contemplates his next hit...
Robin opened up the box of baubles with such aplomb that they skedaddled every which way along various dark tunnels to God only knows where. Nudgeman looked up briefly from his N-phone and looked bemused.
"Oh well, looks like The Whippet and Sixpence in Tufflington Priors will have a few baubles burning in their open fireplace and dare I say it, Leicester Forest East services will have gained some baubles, behind the note recycler on the Northbound side"
Robin puffed his chest out indignantly, the iconic red of his chest making him look invincible.
"Point one. It's alright for you Nudgeman. You're happy to download pointless apps on that N-phone thingymy, whilst I'm working hard to add a touch of festivity to this dank cave. Point two, that tunnel over there does not lead to Leicester Forest East, that goes all the way to Vice Versa in Loughborough and opens up just behind the Seal the Deal, under the stairs."
"Well it's a moot point Robin. A very moot point. Your navigation of my superlative tunnel system has always been second rate. Honestly, you struggle with the London Underground which has a map for God's sake! But, fear not. Some kind soul has you in mind as they have created this wonderful app. Oh yes. You will never get lost again Robin."
"I wish you'd get lost you silly sod. Shut up about such nonsense, this tinsel won't hang itself you know"
"Forget the tinsel. Listen to this. A network of anonymous players have tagged with GPS, every live machine in the UK."
"I can't stand Dond Live, forced roll in wins get on my tits, lowering the % payback of decent wins that you actually want, never puts the £70 in either"
"No you numpty, not Dond LIVE, live as in machines that are currently in service, being sited here there and everywhere, you can find some right gems on this you know"
"What Giant Gems? Jolly Gems? Jackpot Gems?"
"No you thicko, anything anywhere.....name a machine......"
"Oh I dunno, err Mega Deal....you don't see many of them about any more"
"OK I'll key my location into the app and 'Mega Deal', let's see what comes up......"
"I expect it'll give one stupidly obvious location like Cherwell Valley services or something equally dumb"
"Oh no.....oh no no.....already I have 694 Mega Deals I could go and play. Ho Ho and all these suppliers. Look! SE Leisure, NW Leisure, SSW Leisure, Stuck in the bloody Midlands leisure. Then there's Pam, Pauline, Priscilla, Sceptre, Wraith, ghoul, Bob Rudd, Bill Dudd, Mike Fudd...etc need I go on? DO you fancy cold pubs, tepid pubs, luke warm pubs, insane bloody heat pubs? Maybe services? Remote truck stops? hotel lobby’s? Guest house game rooms? Wow! We will clean up on this I tell you."
"Alright. It sounds too good to be true. I think it's a late April Fool. Look at that Hyde Park Corner location...it doesn't give much detail....I mean that sounds a bit wrong. I want to actually SEE this Mega Deal. Let's go play it."
"Ok ye of little faith, I'll have you know I did 35 Red Mists in a day yesterday...no word of a lie"
"Well how much did you make?"
"I can't tell you Robin. It's too much for you to handle."
"Grrr....but we go halves on everything don't we?"
"Oh ok ok they were all 5/10/20 and I had to buy a drink at each one apart from the secret trucker's cafe, but the potential was there"
"Well whatever, let's see this Mega which I doubt even exists, who is the supplier for a start?"
"Oh errr Royal Leisure"
"Tsk, never heard of them, must be made up....let's debunk this stupid app and get back to the very non superheroish A-Z and pencil and paper..."
So our super duo break into a vigorous pace and disappear into one of the many tunnels, guided by the app.
"So are you telling me, these anonymous players have stayed in every flea pit in Blackpool so as they can tag a Pizza The Action or Viva Espagne?"
"You better believe it.....it's amazing.....here we are....I can hear the traffic, this is the entrance to Hyde Park corner, yeah the coast is clear....no one can see us.....we're near the Mega Deal it's in that big massive palatial pub over there...The Buckingham I think it's called....come on, let's cross.....quick!"
"This looks kind of...err...familiar Nudgeman....like I've seen this place before.....maybe I've had heat in here before now"
"Well let's hope not as there are all sorts of suppliers and all sorts of old school playables...quickly, the doors are closed, excellent, we're here before doors, good times"
It turned out the door was ever so slightly ajar.
"I know what has happened here, the landlord...or maybe lady, has opened up and needed to take a quick poo before attending the bar. I think we can safely walk in....order our cheapo cordials and let the rinsing commence. Maybe I'll give a little shout so as they know we're here......SERVICE!"
An elderly gentlemen of not emeritus distinction and poise appeared before the unwitting duo.
"My goodness me! So pleased you could make it. Her Majesty is awaiting your presence, please without delay, let me take you to meet her. Your coats gentlemen?"
"Oh err, no they're kind of sewed onto our skin. Yes...unusual look I know, but err...are her cash pots high?"
"Absolutely Sir! As high as you like. She's not short of a bob or two you know is Her Majesty"
"And err is she full?"
"Oh yes full of beans, such bon viveur today, really looking forward to meeting you...."
"Likewise. And err, may I enquire what's in her box?"
"Well I would say that was her business and her business alone."
"Absolutely, I'll just look down the sides"
"You will DO NO SUCH THING!"
"Of course. Very sorry. A bit fire and all that....yes don't worry we'll keep it low key"
"Well make sure you do. It's about time The Palace had a decent electrician. Don't forget your manners. It's your Majesty when you address her...I should show you up but I have a host of other palatial duties to attend to and the flickering chandelier is getting worse, I don't want to scuff these Berluttis as my way isn't clearly illuminated. It's the second floor, The Green Room, staircase over there on the West Wing. Make sure you knock before you enter."
Nudgeman noticed the high levels of security cameras as he climbed the stairs. Nothing wrong with being security conscious and what had he to fear? This was a legit playing method after all...this place was oozing cash, this Mega Deal or Majesty or whatever people called it would be gagging. No Staffy Bull Terriers here, just a few Corgis nipping about. These punters must be loaded....but meanwhile somewhere else.....
<<MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NUDGEMAN THE GULLIBLE has been TRICKED AGAIN! What a cunning plan. I do amaze myself sometimes. How do I do it? Such genius. As soon as he sets foot in that room, I will trigger a national security alert via this remote device and every SWAT unit in London will have him cornered. Not only that, he'll be in jail for a long, long time. Leaving me all his routes and spoils. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not long now, look at the Caped Loserader and his hapless sidekick walk into the trap. Even more genius I've contrived an electrical fault and actually sited a Mega Deal and other playables in the Palace. MUHAHAHAHAH! It's the realistic touches that make this set up so funny....I wonder when the penny will drop. He obviously hasn't smelt a rat at all, I even put my name on the app...created by JJ (Jackpot Joker) enterprises....muhahahahaha!"
"They seem to like us here Robin. I mean just checking the app, there's a trail holding Digger over by that banqueting table, there's an unchipped amazing in the wine cellar, a p1 Alien in the third master guest bedroom. Let's not take the piss, let's get this Mega done first...ah this must be the room, flicky chandelier in the corridor, that barman did say something about it getting worse, if I was epileptic I wouldn't be happy, must be dodgy wiring in the ceiling rose, never mind....after you Robin...."
"No you first....."
"Oh if you insist....."
"Funny old pub isn't it? All these nooks crannies and bedrooms and what have you. Very cosy, if a little intimidating in some respects. I mean the wealth of the Landlord or Landlady must be immense. I've seen pubs hang pictures on the walls, but some of these are amazing and look at those chandeliers...wow I wonder if there's a giant Jenga anywhere or an L-shaped pool table? Anyway.....here we are....don't bother knocking, don't want to make the locals suspicious...ah yes, there's the barmaid, let's get out drinks in and then get those cash pots out...I can see a £70 from here......"
"Oh thank goodness. One is most pleased that finally an electrician of distinction can sort out this messus horriblis flickus nightmarus in and outside of this humble palatial room"
"Sorry love, didn't catch all of that. Two blackcurrant cordials please."