Fruit Machine Chat

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question:
“When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?”


Suzy raised her hand and said: “I think it's your hands.”

“Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied: “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said: “Sister, I think it's your feet.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”


Little Johnny said:
“Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.”


The Nun fainted!......

my local pub are doing a bonfire night special on friday.

you get 2 beers ,an asian gentleman, a can of petrol and a box of matches.

they're calling it...............two pint's of lager and a paki to crisp.

Mr Mc Streak / quasar

what a pair of cunts

jokes are a funny thing arnt they (pun intended ) ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



its funny how we can laugh at wartime jokes etc , ,,,,,,,,,,,, there seems to be an imagery timeline , when a joke can be deemed acceptable etc



but gotta agree with pokerpete on this one ,,,,,,,,,,,,, too soon ,,,,,,, not funny,,,,, in fact i cant imagine a time , when any joke about miscarriage would be.

very poor taste jokes removed partly due to complaints and partly due to mrs lugsy being 8 months pregnant .

A jokes a joke, wouldn't be the same if we all had the same sence of humour...... I have "packi's" in my family and still laughed at your joke, I also laughed at the lily jokes. I'll laugh at anything I find funny but if It dont or offends me I wont go all P.C. Mmm, mine survived the cull tho. so i'm still laughing :-)

I don't like the racist joke, but in a offense-off with the lily allen ones, it's not even close.

Got myself a new jack Russell pup today. It's black and brown with a little bit of white in it. I named it bradford!!

Saw a porn film last night about a girl giving hand jobs to a fireman, plasterer, builder and a plumber. It was called jack off all trades!

The Mrs came down into the living room last night wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high feels. She handed me a cold beer and told me sit back and relax, and when she she got back she was gonna give me what she does best. I couldn't wait, I fuckinn love shepherds pie.!

Just a few jokes that have done the rounds by text!

renault and ford have joined forces to create perfect small car for women.

mixing the clio with the taurus it comes in several shades of pink.

the average male car thief won't even be able to find it let alone turn it on,even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning.

Havent seen the Lilly Allen jokes here before they got deleted, but will carry on the facebook arguement I had earlier.

It isnt only women who feel the pain of miscarriage and unless any of you have ever had someone you loved kill themselves over a miscarriage can I ask you shut the fuck up please.

HornyNick wrote:Havent seen the Lilly Allen jokes here before they got deleted, but will carry on the facebook arguement I had earlier.

It isnt only women who feel the pain of miscarriage and unless any of you have ever had someone you loved kill themselves over a miscarriage can I ask you shut the fuck up please.

thats deep, i'll remove mine now. Tho I dont think many people got it......Sorry nick, no personal offence meant.

feeder22 wrote:

HornyNick wrote:Havent seen the Lilly Allen jokes here before they got deleted, but will carry on the facebook arguement I had earlier.

It isnt only women who feel the pain of miscarriage and unless any of you have ever had someone you loved kill themselves over a miscarriage can I ask you shut the fuck up please.

thats deep, i'll remove mine now. Tho I dont think many people got it......Sorry nick, no personal offence meant.

Fair enough, and thanks. While I fully understand that people can post jokes, and they can be funny regardless of the subject, there are some subjects that can go too far. I have been guilty of posting jokes on face book that people have found really personally upsetting, i wouldnt have done it if i knew that i would have upset people. Cancer jokes in particular I would never post.

pokerpete wrote:I don't like the racist joke, but in a offense-off with the lily allen ones, it's not even close.

If you are that easily offended don't read jokes. Prick.

I'm sorry that i've offended HN, the topic matter obviously hit a raw nerve there and I apologise and fully respect Lugsy's reason for pulling it down.

However i'm not sorry I posted it.

Lily Allen is a fame seeker who has endorsed the use of hard drugs in the past, setting a terrible example to her fans, and her music is shit. It was a joke against her, and not intended to make light of a sensitive matter.

So I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phone Dial-A-Lama!!!