Great punter/publican cliches.. and what NOT to say in reply
Re: Great punter/publican cliches.. and what NOT to say in r
Lord above, that must be even rarer than finding two people wanting to play on a Paragon!cp999 wrote:... a friend of mine, getting banned from a 'Spoons ...

Re: Great punter/publican cliches.. and what NOT to say in r
cp999 wrote: getting banned from a 'Spoons
I'm with Nil Satis on this. Banned from a Wetherspoons for playing a machine? This has to be unique!!

- cp999
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Re: Great punter/publican cliches.. and what NOT to say in r
I can assure the incredulous amongst you that it is, however, 100% true.Properpro wrote:cp999 wrote: getting banned from a 'Spoons
I'm with Nil Satis on this. Banned from a Wetherspoons for playing a machine? This has to be unique!!![]()

Legend has it Gary Chandler is banned from Bognor Spoons.
Oh the shame, the shame of it.
"I'm sorry Sir, you only seem to come in here to play the machines and you always seem to win, so I'm going to have to ask you not to come back."
"What?!? I'm barred?"
"I'm afraid so, we have to bar you."
"No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" (Think fired sample on original Maygay TGE clone Simpsons)-"Please, please, please, my reputation will be in tatters, please don't bar me, please. Just say I'm not particularly welcome."
"Well you are not particularly welcome, as you are, as of now, barred."
"NO! This won't do - UNBARRED. I'm unbarred"
"No - you're barred."
"Look stop arsing about. UNBARRED. Look I can't be barred from a Weatherspoons. I'm not barred from The Goose on Hotel Street, so I don't expect to be barred from here."
"Well unfortunately expectations don't come into it, I have to act on company guidelines and insist you leave the premises or I shall get the door staff and/or police to escort you from outside the confines of this publuc house as Sir, you are barred."
"Look, please no, please can I buy you a bottle of whisky or give you money, some kind of bribe, this is really bad for my image and someone else will probably play that Cluedo now."
"Sir that is of no concern of mine, you really must leave now."
"You can ride my bicycle, I'll give you money, you can kiss my mother, please just don't bar me. Look shall we leave it that I don't come back for a while, just lay low, not iritate anyone? eh? Can't say fairer than that can I?"
"I'd like you not to come back at all as you are barred."
"Well in that case you're barred as well."
"I'm not barred I'm the bar manager, you my friend are barred however..."
<<I click fingers>>
"....Daz! this man is barred, remove him from the premises please."
"Don't be ridiculous I'm the pub manager"
"Pull the other one matey, that's what they all say, now are you going to leave or is Daz going to have to grab you by the micropenis and escort you 'from the confines' of the pub."
"Look mate...ooooh ooWWW you'll be sorry you can't do this, Sheila isn't trained on the spirits yet, you're making a (fading) big mistake...OOOMPF"
"Thanks Daz."
"No problem, he wasn't trying to sell you one of those cheap imitation car key fobs to empty the machine was he?"
"Yes he was, make sure he stays barred."
"Yes boss."
Sorry what were we talking about again?
Oh the shame, the shame of it.
"I'm sorry Sir, you only seem to come in here to play the machines and you always seem to win, so I'm going to have to ask you not to come back."
"What?!? I'm barred?"
"I'm afraid so, we have to bar you."
"No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" (Think fired sample on original Maygay TGE clone Simpsons)-"Please, please, please, my reputation will be in tatters, please don't bar me, please. Just say I'm not particularly welcome."
"Well you are not particularly welcome, as you are, as of now, barred."
"NO! This won't do - UNBARRED. I'm unbarred"
"No - you're barred."
"Look stop arsing about. UNBARRED. Look I can't be barred from a Weatherspoons. I'm not barred from The Goose on Hotel Street, so I don't expect to be barred from here."
"Well unfortunately expectations don't come into it, I have to act on company guidelines and insist you leave the premises or I shall get the door staff and/or police to escort you from outside the confines of this publuc house as Sir, you are barred."
"Look, please no, please can I buy you a bottle of whisky or give you money, some kind of bribe, this is really bad for my image and someone else will probably play that Cluedo now."
"Sir that is of no concern of mine, you really must leave now."
"You can ride my bicycle, I'll give you money, you can kiss my mother, please just don't bar me. Look shall we leave it that I don't come back for a while, just lay low, not iritate anyone? eh? Can't say fairer than that can I?"
"I'd like you not to come back at all as you are barred."
"Well in that case you're barred as well."
"I'm not barred I'm the bar manager, you my friend are barred however..."
<<I click fingers>>
"....Daz! this man is barred, remove him from the premises please."
"Don't be ridiculous I'm the pub manager"
"Pull the other one matey, that's what they all say, now are you going to leave or is Daz going to have to grab you by the micropenis and escort you 'from the confines' of the pub."
"Look mate...ooooh ooWWW you'll be sorry you can't do this, Sheila isn't trained on the spirits yet, you're making a (fading) big mistake...OOOMPF"
"Thanks Daz."
"No problem, he wasn't trying to sell you one of those cheap imitation car key fobs to empty the machine was he?"
"Yes he was, make sure he stays barred."
"Yes boss."
Sorry what were we talking about again?
after being barred from a local pub I told the publican that I was pleased he had barred me(for cheating!!?). Taken aback he asked why. I told him It would save me from having to mix with such lowlife scum as himself. He showed me his gratitude by chasing me around the streets of Southampton in his battered ancient Nissan.Oh what fun we had and what a spoilsport when he refused to pay the 50p to cross the Itchen Bridge to continue the festivities.
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- cp999
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- Location: not where I was yesterday
Once, in response to the "That's the first time I've ever seen someone win on that" classic line, I said after leaving the pub "If I had a pound for every time I've heard that" and then realized the logical stupidity of my comment. "Come to think of it, I do!".
Lol @ cool's Southampton story. Reminds me of the barman who said "You only come in to do the machine" and me saying "You don't think I'd come into a pisshole like this to drink, do you?".
Skilltreks seemed very easy to get banned from - I had a cluster of ten at one point and was banned from half of them - possibly all the merry little tunes it played ever time you completed a set during a game.
Lol @ cool's Southampton story. Reminds me of the barman who said "You only come in to do the machine" and me saying "You don't think I'd come into a pisshole like this to drink, do you?".
Skilltreks seemed very easy to get banned from - I had a cluster of ten at one point and was banned from half of them - possibly all the merry little tunes it played ever time you completed a set during a game.
- trayhop123
- Senior Member
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- Location: leicester
"thats for my regulars"
how many times a week do i come in here?
"3or4 "
that makes me a regular then dont it
"your one of them blokes that make £50 a day"
no im one of them blokes that makes £200 a day
"your barred, your not making any more money out of me"
yes but tomorrow i'll be in one of a million other pubs stil making a grand a week, whereas you'll stil be making 3quid an hour in this shithole
"thats my holiday money in there son you've just had out, i cant afford you coming in here"
look m8 if me coming in here making 20quid on you machine has stopped you goin on holiday you've got bigger problems than me, where were you goin this year on 20quid? half a day trip to bognor, twat
"this isn't an arcade son"
i know arcades are camera'd up, your place is easier to rob
how many times a week do i come in here?
"3or4 "
that makes me a regular then dont it
"your one of them blokes that make £50 a day"
no im one of them blokes that makes £200 a day
"your barred, your not making any more money out of me"
yes but tomorrow i'll be in one of a million other pubs stil making a grand a week, whereas you'll stil be making 3quid an hour in this shithole
"thats my holiday money in there son you've just had out, i cant afford you coming in here"
look m8 if me coming in here making 20quid on you machine has stopped you goin on holiday you've got bigger problems than me, where were you goin this year on 20quid? half a day trip to bognor, twat
"this isn't an arcade son"
i know arcades are camera'd up, your place is easier to rob
Little discipline = BIG issue
**** ****
**** ****
yesterday in a pub for an hour and a half and won nothing! Machine was situated next to the bar so had the barmaid peering at me. She was joined by two thai women with a baby who stood about six inches behind me shouting 'jackpot' in unison everytime I got close to it, that disconcerted me so much so that I couldnt get it. I went to the loo, when I got back they jumped on the bloody thing. Such is life 

- cp999
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- Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:59 pm
- Location: not where I was yesterday
Last week I was playing in a small country pub and there was a kid of about 12 sitting at the bar watching me. Then I hear him talking to the barman. "Dad, you know how you said it's impossible to win on that machine? Well that guy over there keeps winning every game and getting all the questions right." (funnily enough I wasn't doing particularly spectacularly). "He must be cheating with some device" (etc, etc). This continued for long enough that I ended up saying (as a pisstake, duh) "I always carry magnets with me; they're most useful". Very tiresome.