Being nice doesn't pay

[trayhop123]

can always cover it with a black cape or whatever

[clarkey1984]

I was reading the Focus magazine the other day and basically it said if you wanted to be successful you had to be ruthless. That's what I'll be from now on.

--snip--

A fool & his money maybe.

Amen to that!

You literally wouldnt believe how much i have been mugged off over the last little while, both financially and mentally, its not like im loaded, but i work full time and do pretty much what i want to do with my life outside work within reason, im comfortable you could say, so if it came to helping someone out then i dont, or should i say didnt, have a problem with that.

Theres 3 who i still have what you could say unfinished business with, and funnily enough, its all birds too.

1, lets call her S, S was with one of my good mates at the time, eventhough he was a mate for years he really didnt treat S very well, i was always her shoulder to cry on when she was down etc, we got close, i was torn, this is a mates bird, what do i do, then i found out he was hitting her, there was a gathering at their place and i saw him back hand her really hard around the face and then storm out of the room, it took 3 other party goers to hold me back, then they split in time and altho we both felt the same thing she was scared of making the transition from having me as a best mate to being with me in case it ruined the friendship.

Then she was made homeless (long story, far too long lol) so after a chat with my parents she moved in here with me, things progressed as they say, although not officially, was all a bit hush hush, but yeah, life was perfect, we chatted about the situation and mutually agreed not to rush anything and lets see how things go, she reconciled with her family (due to me i must say) and we all moved to a new place together, then out of the blue i had a text from a mutual mate who i knew that S went to school with, saying thanks for being so understanding about me and S, i know it cant have been easy for you etc, yep, she had begun a relationship with him and i had no idea, then when i broached the subject, i got told, with attitude, well i am entitled to a private life! So i took her into this house, for a good 3 months, never asked for a penny from her, gave her money here and there when she needed something as she wasnt working for some of that time, provided all the emotional support i possibly could, even her family have said that without me then god knows what would have happened to her.

case 2, we shall call this one C...

I met C years and years ago, but at the time, the 10 year age gap, (she is older) seemed very daunting for an 18 year old so nothing really happened, but then we met by chance soon after the S saga, about 8 years after we first knew eachother, and really hit it off, it was like we had never lost contact, the kids were obviously older now but still remembered me from before, and before i knew it i spent more time at hers than i did at my parents, working thru my lunch break to be back at hers before she had to go to work, cooking for me her and the kids, tidying up behind the endless mess that kids manage to make, helped her redecorate the whole of her house, we repainted, replastered some bits, really did the whole gaff up proper, i bought all the stuff to do it from work, then her car died and really was not worth repairing so i be the knight in shining armour and by her another one, was only a £150 cheapy off a mate but was taxed n tested for a year so did the job, then i went away for a week on a training course for work and the contact dwindled from there on, i barely hear from her from 1 month to the next now, i text and ring now and again but she never answers, and i get minimal replies in texts so i think its a case of well i got what i wanted so goodbye, i do miss her, but i miss the kids the most, especially the kids, the youngest is only 8 and is a cracking little lad with a good head on his shoulders, a very clever young man who will go far, looks like i wont get to see it though.

then number 3, this is L...

we had a will we / wont we thing going on for a while, then, long n short of it, her house was broke into and torched by an ex of hers, only one room and it didnt really catch enought to damage the house, but he put literally all her stuff in that one room before setting it alight, everything was gone, i bought her new clothes, a new jacket, gave her my old phone to borrow, lent her £80 to go shopping for food and things because all that she had in was gone, there was promise of ill pay you back over 2 or 3 weeks, then when the dates came up when she said she would be able to get the cash back to me she either ignored my txts or never turned up where we'd planned to meet, she put it off lots of times, cant do this week but deffo next week, then after 5 or 6 of those i got well im gonna have to give u like a tenner a week back coz im not working now etc, which never ever happened, the whole fire thing was on NYE, i dont hold out much hope of getting anything back now.


And so, the conclusion, dont be a soft cunt, be compassionate, but not too kind, because if you get sucked in then you get merked, coz in 3 cases, and nearly 3 years, and all that stuff thats happened above, i havent got a penny back, or any kind of relationship to show for it, and to think, i ditched my fiancee of nearly 4 years to take a chance on me and S working out, live and learn, thats what i say!!!

[blackmogu]

Being nice does pay, but you have to be wise about how you are nice.

There is a reason that financial institutions do thorough checks before lending people money, and that reason is that the biggest indicator of someone's ability/willingness to repay a loan, regardless of their personality type or friendship status is their financial history.

Like most on here I expect, I have had first-hand experience of being out-of-pocket for 10's of thousands due to helping others out that I thought valued our 'friendship' enough to make the effort to pay. My naivety taught me a few things :-

1. You have very few real friends in life. Most people you consider friends are really aquaintences or of the fair weather type. Curiously, the people I consider real friends now tend to manage their lives to the extent that they never need assistance of the financial kind.

2. The general populace are inherently selfish to the extent that they will take money with the intention of never paying it back.

3. In England there is no social stigma attached to being a bad payer (If you tried to do that over here you'd quickly have to move town).

4. Bailing people out of situations that are largely of their own making (lack of financial planning falls into this category - it's part of being a responsible adult) does you and them no benefit, rather it encourages the behaviour.

Be compassionate by all means, but do so on terms that protect your own interests. I have a business partnership with a friend that I can trust, but anything regarding the business that can be formalised and not left to trust invariably is. We both agree that this is the best way to operate, as the burden of trust is a heavy responsibility to bear (think about it), and once everything is formalised then we both know exactly where we stand and do not have to ever think about it. Circumstance can change even the best of people.

And as to the Focus article about "If you want to be successful you have to be ruthless" - for a salesman this certainly holds true. But for anyone else, you can be successful via hard work (and I do mean hard), being nice to the right people (I landed a government contract this way), and recognising timewasters, shonky bastards and scammers for what they are (this is the biggest hurdle to overcome) and passing up any business that they may try to tempt you with, as it will invariably cost you. Lessons i've all learnt the hard way, and yes, i'm very successful now, and still a nice guy, but you can't take me for a ride anymore.